the way down - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Teen Poetry #7

the way down

LOSTinTHISworld
Member

since 2003-06-01

Posts 94
canada

0 posted 2006-04-14 11:36 PM

falling again
down this dark whole
called depression
along the way
woices telling ypi
dark secrets
with agression
ignore them?
you cant
their harsh words
penetrate you
forever
poisoning your soul
wounded
screaming in agony
no one hears you
but yourself
you hit the bottom
your trapped
and it only time
before you break

{in a million years i wont be over you}

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

1 posted 2006-04-15 03:19 PM

You could use stanzas. It would look better. what is this word? "ypi"? Is it supposed to be you? All of those keys are next to each other on my keyboard so maybe you accidentaly pressed the wrong botton. Also you spelled voices wrong. You spelled it woices. Your poem is nice. Good job.

Jessica

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

2 posted 2006-04-17 12:33 PM

I agree with jessica on the spelling grammar part but.. actually I like the poem without stanza.. It reads as sort of a choppy-cut off...
nervous... anxious.. type of poem.. if it was in stanzas it would be very organized and let's face it.. when you're on your way down...

...nothing is organized.. the lines are really short.. so it's not too hard to read.. you just have to keep a steady pace..

keep it up..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.