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aliway
Member

since 2006-03-05

Posts 185
With in your eyes

0 posted 2006-04-12 11:29 PM

I’m walking down a path so sweet
Knowing you’ll be waiting for me
The gleam in your eyes show with delight
Knowing this will always be

Come dance with me
Will be at peace
Wrapped in a endless sea of guaranty
We lean in as if to kiss…

Then I wake from my endless sleep
Hating these dreams of thee
Knowing they will never be
But wishing for you to be

There’s so much to thee
But so little to see
Will you open up
Or just hide from me

*leah

[This message has been edited by aliway (04-13-2006 04:33 PM).]

curiouse
Member

since 2006-03-21

Posts 277
england

1 posted 2006-04-13 04:50 AM

i love it!
But leah you have a fantastic personality you are very special and someone will see that well i do anyway.
you know, i think anyone will be lucky to have u.
smiles,
curiouse

i'm looking for you...always...

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

2 posted 2006-04-13 09:31 AM

Cool. You used a lual word and i dont know if you ment to do that it just kinda stood out to me. The kisses part, shouldn't it be we leaned in to kiss? I don't know I guess it sounds alright as it is. As long as you like it. Its very meaningful.

Jessica

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-04-14 08:06 PM

This is such a beautiful poem! but very sad in my opinion... On the lean thing, as Jessica mentioned, I actually think it looks good the way it is, because of the way it is phrased.

I thought that in one or two places this poem was a bit stiff though, like the second line in the first stanza, i think? I can't remember now

I loved this part though,

"Come dance with me
Will be at peace
Wrapped in a endless sea of guaranty
We lean in as if to kiss…"

Nice write!

@-->---

aliway
Member

since 2006-03-05

Posts 185
With in your eyes

4 posted 2006-04-15 04:00 PM

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot.
Curiouse I hope your right.
At first it was “kiss” but Microsoft Word changed it.

*Leah

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

5 posted 2006-04-16 10:54 PM

Oh okay.

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

6 posted 2006-04-17 12:12 PM

this was really good.. the only thing that kinda threw me off.. it where you said "waking from the endless sleep" kinda of a oxymoron.. but other than that.. it was really good.

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

Internalexile
Junior Member

since 2006-06-15

Posts 38
UK

7 posted 2006-06-17 06:01 AM

I liked it

keep writing

Internalexile

Let the moonlight paint your face, let the stars be your cloak...

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