When he was nine... - pipTalk Forums

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stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

0 posted 2006-03-08 01:42 AM

When he was nine his old daddy died
When he was nine his new daddy arrived
When he was nine he was taught to swim, but held under water when he refused to get in

And when he was nine his new daddy showed him hurt of an unspeakable kind

So when he was nine he hid in a closet…
He sat on the floor and cried for lack of better understanding

But the old was gone and the new had arrived

When he was nine his whole life changed nothing would ever be the same

Now the boy of nine is all grown up and I
Thank the powers that be that God protected him from “he”

The boy of nine you do not see, but I know he’s inside the man who belongs to me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey,

I didn't really want this to be my first poem posted here, but as you can see it needs some help! So any suggestions i would greatly appreciate, all i ask is that you try to be honest

@-->---

Ringo

Member Elite

since 2003-02-20

Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes

1 posted 2006-03-08 02:30 AM

WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a wonderful way to start your time with us. Please check your e-mail for a special surprise.

To be merciful to the cruel is to be cruel to the merciful.
www.impressionsintime.net

BlueRhapsody
New Member

since 2006-02-13

Posts 4
Nevada, USA

2 posted 2006-03-08 02:48 AM

I've just posted my first one here too ^^!
Nice poem to start off with, I like it!

Free_Spirit07
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 222
The middle of my mind!

3 posted 2006-03-08 03:18 AM

Hey there......PAY BACK TIME! lol na jokes

it started of by ryming and then stoped and then started again....it was a little confusing when it did that. But over all *thumbs up*

x0x0
Free_Spirit07
~%#*So far from perfect!*#%~
~%#*So far from life and living!*#%~

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

4 posted 2006-03-08 11:13 AM

Ummm.... Yeah, right now it's just in a rough draft but i was hoping for some advice sense i want to put in in my bf birthday card(not like you wanted to know that).
Any suggestions though?

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tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

5 posted 2006-03-08 05:44 PM

ok ive got some suggestions... sorry this place has kinda quit doing that for some reason... anywho hows this

"When he was nine his old daddy died
When he was nine his new daddy arrived
When he was nine he was taught to swim,
but held under water when he refused to get in.
(I would shorten this last line here but make sure it still rhymes if you wanna keep that kinda thing goin)

And when he was nine his new daddy showed him hurt of an unspeakable kind
(I think you should shorten this line and add another to it that rhymes)

So when he was nine he hid in a closet…
He sat on the floor and cried for lack of better understanding
(ok how about...
When he was nine he decided to get in the closet and hide.
He then sat on the floor and cried.)ok I dunno i was just kinda goin there lol

When he was nine his life changed,
he realized nothing would ever be the same

Now the boy of nine grew up as expected
and I thank God the he was protected

The boy of nine you do not see,
but I know he’s inside the man who belongs to me.

I know you get fed up w/ it and cant think anymore...i do the same
Did that help any???

how did you break my heart when it wasn't whole to start?

aol sn- tearsoflove13762

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

6 posted 2006-03-08 06:27 PM

Hey,

Tearsoflove, thanks for all the great help!

I don't know why, I can critisize everyones poems but when it comes to mine i am at a complete loss! I'm just showing "a lil" favoritism there

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latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

7 posted 2006-03-08 07:24 PM

i agree with ya all. Welcome to pip! Nice first post dont know why didn't want to post it. nice write

           Jessica

    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

aliway
Member

since 2006-03-05

Posts 185
With in your eyes

8 posted 2006-03-08 11:18 PM

Welcome to pip!!
I love your poem. You’re a great writer. I would love to read more of your work.

John O'Driscoll
Junior Member

since 2006-03-13

Posts 43
Sandy, Utah

9 posted 2006-06-16 09:52 PM

gosh i wish my first poem was that good!
i loved it even though it was really sad. sorry, i just wanted to see what else you had written so i decided to look up some of your poems! Loving them so far!

JohnnyO.

True happiness is found after you think you have irretrievably lost it

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

10 posted 2006-06-16 10:44 PM

Hey i never read this one! I like it. Seriously, It's good! And I love how you bring God into the picture. It impresses me more than you know. You're an amazing poet! good job!

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

11 posted 2006-06-17 01:00 AM

Thanks fer posting

I must admit I forgot all about this poem but it's nice to know people care enough about my stuff that they'll go back and reread it...

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spaz02
Member

since 2005-06-28

Posts 74
USA

12 posted 2006-06-24 06:36 PM

aww...thats so sad...and touching too

"For every drop of my blood that falls is because of you" ~Spaz02~

hunnie_girl

Member Elite

since 2006-06-18

Posts 2567
Canada

13 posted 2006-06-26 01:42 AM

When he was nine his old daddy died
When he was nine his new daddy arrived
When he was nine he was taught to swim,
but held under water when he refused to get in.

i liked that the best and yeah this is good for a first post..... soooo keep up the good work
*hunnie*

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart.

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