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the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

0 posted 2006-02-28 09:34 PM

I've started down this road,
not knowing where it leads,
and it seems I've lost some pieces,
of who I used to be.
I can't figure out what I want,
and how I plan to get it...
where ever I end up,
I just don't what to regret it.
I find myself in an open space,
but I feel like I'm closed in,
and I just don't understand,
how to quit the game, but still win.
I'm jumping to conclusions,
because I can't make up my mind,
and one day I'll realize,
that honesty grows with time.
I want so much from life,
and I won't settle for less,
but it seems that I've slacked off,
and that lately I'm not best.
I guess that's my problem these days,
I guess that's what's wrong.
I'm holding my hopes up in the air,
and forgetting the way down is long.
I'm resting upon a friends word,
to help me get through,
but I'm having second thoughts,
about whether this will do.
I suppose all that I can do,
is watch the grains of sand.
Leave time to time itself,
and my heart in your hands.

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

1 posted 2006-02-28 11:57 PM

Cool. ryming every few lines I have never seen that before. Its cool. Great job

           Jessica
              :)
    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

helenadepp
Member

since 2006-01-16

Posts 59
durham, england

2 posted 2006-03-07 02:34 PM

I loved this! I know exactly how you felt when writing this. Anyways this is going in my library!

Wow!

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-03-07 06:38 PM

Hey,

It’s a great poem, expresses a lot of emotion!

There is a couple things though….

For starters you jump around a lot in your writing, if your going to do that you might want to break it down into stanzas.

The other is, read it out loud to yourself, it rhymes, but the flow is a little off in some places.
I’m not sure if your going for the choppy style or not, so I would just like to point that out to you.

Also, “how to quit the game, but still win”, I would suggest changing the “but” to “yet”…

Just a couple of thoughts, I hope you find them useful!

Keep the emotion always in your work though!

@-->---

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

4 posted 2006-03-07 06:49 PM

thanks stargal.. Yea I notice that I do jump around a bit and I usually write in stanzas but when I type I just sometimes put it all together... but I usually do four lines per stanza.. thanks for the tips.
Greatly appreciated

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

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