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acid_tears_i_cry
Junior Member

since 2005-11-25

Posts 24
United States, UT

0 posted 2006-02-21 12:23 PM

Everythings red...Everythings hurting...the pain I feel...its just keeps on burning...The stars that night...that kiss...they were all real...only in the red car...your hands only on that red steering wheel...u touched me...I touched u back...I was called a slut...u got ur pat on the back...it was that simple...ten mineutes with u are ten mineutes with red....passionate, caring, so...in love...Just so RED!!! I hate RED!!!

Can you read the word "loneliness" and not think of a dark room?

Free_Spirit07
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 222
The middle of my mind!

1 posted 2006-02-21 02:21 PM

Mmm avery creative write

-good job

x0x0
Free_Spirit07
fear and tears....STOP rounda bout here!

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

2 posted 2006-02-21 06:15 PM

i like it very good it could be the beging of a short story if you continue it

            Jessica
              :)

       Where your heart lays
        is where you belong.

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

3 posted 2006-02-24 03:30 PM

To make this a more powerful piece, I might create stanzas for it, and lessen the use of puncuation. Something along these lines:

Everythings red.
Everythings hurting.
The pain I feel,
it just keeps on burning.

The stars that night,
that kiss.
They were all real,
only in the red car.

Your hands only,
on that red steering wheel.

U touched me,
I touched u back.
I was called a slut,
u got ur pat on the back.

It was that simple..
Ten mineutes with u
are ten mineutes with red.

Passionate,
caring,
so in love.
Just so RED!!!

I hate RED!!!

~Daniel?Titus

Fighting the good fight, deployed to Iraq.

helenadepp
Member

since 2006-01-16

Posts 59
durham, england

4 posted 2006-03-07 02:49 PM

Yeah i agree with daniel. The stanzas make it easier to read and give it more of an edge. Brilliant write though!

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

5 posted 2006-03-07 06:05 PM

It makes a great poem! I agree, it’s almost like the beginning of a short story…

The one thing I would change would be “The stars that night. The kiss. (They) were all so real.” I would leave out the “they” and change the “That” to “The”… I don’t know, it just sounds better to me, but that could just be my style and not yours.

Also, the red steering wheel… I’m not sure I would have put that in there.

Keep writing though! You have a lot of talent.

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