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Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

0 posted 2004-11-03 04:43 PM

Everyday as I head to class
I pass a tear stained sidewalk.

Thoughts of who this girl is,
and how life has let her down
circle in my mind.

Why she would cry so desperately?
or is it just the rain I see?

Night after night,
I began to watch for this girl
sit on the balcony and wait
to discover the mystery
behind her sorrow.

As I sat staring out into the darkness,
contemplating life
my own tears began to fall
crying for a girl who must feel so alone.

Everyday as I head to class
I pass a tear stained sidewalk.

Thoughts of who this girl is,
and how life has let her down
circle in my mind.

Are they my tears or hers?

*Okay, this is really rough. It's just an idea that came to me in my math class. Suggestions are totally welcome!*

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

1 posted 2004-11-03 05:00 PM

"Thoughts of who this girl is,
and how life has let her down
circle in my mind.

Are they my tears or hers?"

Liked the ending alot. I think alot of us have felt this way at one time or another...I know I have.
Great write! I'm saving.

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:* My Journal
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

2 posted 2004-11-10 04:31 PM

Wow, great write, I love the title and how often it's in the poem.
I love the end alot too.
Thanks for sharing!

But Im comforted
by the fact that I can hurt inside
all I want to
without anyone ever knowing
~WinterWren~

earthdust
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 53
predestined and foreknown

3 posted 2004-11-12 02:13 AM

great write! better read!

" Understanding is more valuable than diamonds. If you can understand me, Then you are a very rich person. "

TY!

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

4 posted 2004-11-12 03:57 PM

Great work. ~Jess

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." -Jimi Hendrix

helenadepp
Member

since 2006-01-16

Posts 59
durham, england

5 posted 2006-03-07 02:30 PM

I really enjoyed this. I know ive felt this way and im sure alot of other people have too...anyways great write!

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

6 posted 2006-03-07 06:04 PM

i have felt this way before. wonderful writing

Jessica

    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

7 posted 2006-03-07 06:11 PM

Hey,

Neat concept! I feel like it could use a little polish to it though, you might want to read it aloud to yourself and see where you can improve it/make it flow better!

One thing that stood out to me was “sit on the balcony and wait to discover the mystery behind her sorrow”.
I personally would change it to something more like,
“I sat on the balcony and waited to discover this mystery that caused her sorrow”.

But maybe you have your poem exactly as you like it, and that’s great!

Keep writing

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