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Free_Spirit07
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 222
The middle of my mind!

0 posted 2006-02-10 10:35 PM

I smile a fake smile
I laugh a fake laugh
I love a fake love and I live a fake life
I feel real fear I cry real tears
I dream real dreams and I scream real screams

I bleed real blood and I hate my life
just wish it could change just wish it would happen today!

p.s its not long but would love some feed back. Hoping maybe i can extend this and make it longer and less I, I, I,

!

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

1 posted 2006-02-11 05:05 PM

Great writing Free Spirit. I can understand your frustration with "I" at the beginning of every line, I tend to do the same with "and". I cant really see a way around it without just basically rewriting the lines to say the same thing differently... but to be honest I think it is okay as it is, it is a pretty short poem so it is not too repetitive and if you hadnt commented on it, I'm pretty sure I wouldnt have commented on it either. So yeah, great writing

Andrew

XxnoraxX
Member

since 2006-01-24

Posts 122
<3 MA,,,USA <3

2 posted 2006-02-11 05:43 PM

i rly liked this a lot- thx

XoXo,
XxnoraxX

No ones perfect;just perfect for each other-<3

Free_Spirit07
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 222
The middle of my mind!

3 posted 2006-02-11 07:09 PM

Fankz Andrew :B g00d hearing from you!
And to you too XxnoraXx fanks a lot

x0x0
Free_Spirit07

fear and tears....STOP rounda bout here!

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

4 posted 2006-03-09 02:43 PM

rly nice. like your writing

           Jessica

    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

5 posted 2006-03-09 07:32 PM

This was a really good write.. I understood the poem but I'm not sure I got the same effect that other people did, but that's what poetry is about.. Great Write.. keep it up.

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

byski
Member

since 2006-01-26

Posts 235
Alberta, Canada

6 posted 2006-03-10 11:44 AM

I'm sure it felt good to get that out, but hey life ain't so bad. I assume you are still young and have much life to live. I know it may not be the thing you want to hear but it is the truth. Or mabey I'm just over critisizing. But I love the structure of the poem, flows very well and is strong and right to the point. Good job!

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