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Teen Poetry #7
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Avoiding The Light
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Avoiding The Light |
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John O'Driscoll Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 43Sandy, Utah |
This heart has been broken too many times Of sad words, Ive written too many lines Against my soul, committed too many crimes How am I supposed to live? Ive given my heart to too many girls On my shoulders, born weight of too many worlds Given to swine, far too many pearls What do I have left to give? My hope in love has been destroyed My soul, of joy, is now devoid No longer is anything enjoyed Whom, but me, must I forgive? Turned myself against them all around my heart I've built a wall From love, terrified, away I crawl. My soul is leaking like a Sieve. I know shes out there, I dont know where This lack of knowing, at my heart, does tear I feel like I'm living, without any air. But heartbreak is something I dont wish to relive. True happiness is found after you think you have irretrievably lost it |
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| © Copyright 2006 JohnnyO - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kin3tix Junior Member
since 2006-07-05
Posts 17Somewhere wondering... |
Good theme, overall good wording and rhyme scheme. You want to work on writing what you really feel better, anyways, good work  |
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tapper798 Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353My own world |
This heart has been broken too many times Of sad words, Ive written too many lines Against my soul, committed too many crimes How am I supposed to live? These were my favorite lines. All in all it was a great write and I loved the whole concept, espcially since I'm kind of there in a girls point of view. You really did capture the emotion in it and I loved that about this one. The only critique I would give was on these lines: I know shes out there, I dont know where This lack of knowing, at my heart, does tear The wording just seemed really off on the second line, mainly cause I think you wanted to make it rhyme. It seemed too forced. Otherwise I thought you did an excellent job with the wording! Keep it up, this was a good one! <3Erin myspace username-beautiful_tragidy |
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John O'Driscoll Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 43Sandy, Utah |
Thank you guys. A couple of questions though, what should i replace the lines with. They didnt seem to flow quite right to me either, but i dont know what else to say. kin3tix, what makes you think this isnt how i feel? Thanks guys John True happiness is found after you think you have irretrievably lost it |
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WaterFairy103 Member
since 2006-05-31
Posts 196 |
WOW!!! I really love this, and you're one of my favorites! You have an amazing talent for putting feelings on words! Good job! P.S. - I love that you used the word Sieve...I love that word...lol When I stopped trying to find the right guy, and concentrated on being the right girl, the right guy found me. |
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John O'Driscoll Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 43Sandy, Utah |
Hey thanks. It took me forever to find another word that rhymed with live, but theres this website that shows ryhming words. I'd completely forgot about sieve so i decided to use it. Thanks!!! Love Always John O. True happiness is found after you think you have irretrievably lost it |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
GREAT!!! Wow.. great job.. I loved this.. I love how you set up the poem.. live, give, forgive, ect.. that was great..  ~Heather~ Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey John, Another great poem by you I see! It was simply amazing and whether you were writing this from the heart or not, though I think you were, it certainly made me feel like these emotions are true… It was an excellent job of expressing yourself. The ending line of the poem I thought left something to be desired, no offence. It’s like you said “I don’t wish to relive” and it drops off into nothing. I think there should be something else, but I don’t really know what I’m talking about… "Turned myself against them all around my heart I've built a wall From love, terrified, away I crawl. My soul is leaking like a Sieve." My favorite part out of the whole poem would have to be that... It's something I do, building a wall around my heart, I can relate well to that. Anyway, I can't wait to see more of your poems in the near future, I hope. It's always enjoyable to read your work  @-->--- |
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John O'Driscoll Junior Member
since 2006-03-13
Posts 43Sandy, Utah |
i didnt like the ending much either but i had said everything i wanted to. I dunno what to put after it. If you have any ideas please let me know!! Love always John True happiness is found after you think you have irretrievably lost it |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
wow that was great i think you have an amazing concept in your poems i love them......i agree with stargal though i didn't like the ending although that happens a lot to me too you say everything and you don't know what to finish off with. i really hope to read more of your poems too....oh i read the encourages critiques and read "Im and artistic person but i cant really capture what im feeling through poem" i sooo disagree you did a wonderful job of capturing your feelings..... hunnie* A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your |
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mgoodman1989 Member
since 2006-03-05
Posts 93Iowa, USA |
John, This poem is amazing. It truely speaks to me, (being as I have had my fair share of hearbreaks and mistrusts). I love the way you ended each stanza, it seemed to flow nicely to me, try as I might, can't think of anything to say/write/type? that could improve this magnificant work of yours. You truely are a talented writer, hopefully you do find that one person that will make you happier then you've ever been. No more heartbreaks, Sincerely yours, Michelle |
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Tempest Member
since 2006-04-28
Posts 247dont eat paint chips!!!! |
it was good i liked it |
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