Untitled- suggestions welcome

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Teen Poetry #7

Untitled- suggestions welcome

WranglrButts9
Member

since 2004-10-24

Posts 108
Iowa, US

0 posted 2005-05-16 07:46 PM

Don't really know where this came from- definetly not personal experiences (for once, lol). Its a lot shorter than my usual, but I thought the point was still stated. I'm lost for titles, so anyone that has ideas please share.

Untitled
I’m sorry
           It had
To Be
        This way...

But our feelings
      I knew,
           Were
               Slipping away...

          Time changes,
Memories fade,
      Nothing we know…
                       Stays the same

Tell me what you think.. thanks!

Bailey

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2005-05-16 11:09 PM

I think it needs to be longer...LOL starts off great then you just stop!

really, could see this going a bit farther...think it over...

WranglrButts9
Member

since 2004-10-24

Posts 108
Iowa, US

2 posted 2005-05-17 05:25 PM

Lol, I know what you mean! This was just a quick right-down-all-my-ideas poem. I'm thinking about what to add, but everything I do is so.. cliche & cheesy, so I just stopped lol.

Bailey

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

3 posted 2005-05-18 12:04 PM

Hey, Bailey? there is nothing cheesy or cliche about those feelings, especially when they seem to come from the heart.
As for length, have you ever tried senryu or haiku? they're wonderful short poetic forms that give you a chance to 'tighten up' without losing the punch, the dynamic impact of the thoughts. I'd like to see some horse-sense moments senryu from you.

meanwhile, just keep writing and writing and riding and riding

youcan'tseeme
Member

since 2004-01-30

Posts 88

4 posted 2005-05-19 12:13 PM

title maybe something along the lines of:

fading memories
or
lost lines

but YOU choose something of your own

just read the poem outloud to yourself, and listen to what comes to mind

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