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Teen Poetry #7
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Perfume
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Perfume |
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Tempest Member
since 2006-04-28
Posts 247dont eat paint chips!!!! 
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You were walking away And I just sat there in the room Im drowning in memories Because I still smell your perfume Reality starts to sink in As I turn on the T.V. I try to forget But it always gets to me Your pictures lying open on the matress And your sweaters on the floor Your keys are on the table And your coat is on the door Every where I turn Is just another piiece of you Im ripping apart And theres nothing I can do You were walking away And I just sat there in the room Im drowning in memories Because I still smell your perfume |
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| © Copyright 2006 Bryan Girton - All Rights Reserved | |||
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey Tempest, I liked this poem and yet it wasn't a favorite? It was good, the whole perfume idea was really interesting! I guess the only thing I didn't really like was that the flow in this was kind of odd. I'd kind of pick up on the rhythm in certain spots and than it would disappear again. I don't know, maybe it was just me? I really liked the last stanza on this poem. I know you started out with the "I can still smell your perfume", (at least that's how I think you said it...) and than you repeated it in the last stanza, I felt like that brought the whole poem together. Wrapped it up so it made sense and kind of sneaked in the "title word" again. Very nice! Anyway, as always i'd love to read more of your work in the near future  @-->--- |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
Well Tempest.. this is among some of your best to me.. and no offense to stargal.. but the first time I read this I read it outloud and it had the perfect flow to me. There was a couple of misspelled words.. Matress should have two t's in it and riiping should have one i in it.. other than that.. this was great. I loved the whole perfume thing too. It was very creative.. this kinda sounded like a sad love song. great great job.. ~Heather~ Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
Sorry, I was mistaken. When I said ripping should have just one i, I meant piiece should only have one i (piece) lol.. Sry. ~Heather~ Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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Tempest Member
since 2006-04-28
Posts 247dont eat paint chips!!!! |
Thanks that whole "I" thing was just a typo anyways. Thanks alot for commenting. Im glad you both take time to read my stuff. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
i really liked it mainly cuz it was good....and had a lot of feeling..... i liked the rhyminh scheme too... hope to read more from you. ~hunnie~ A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your |
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