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Teen Poetry #7

Breaking over you

pen&paper
Senior Member

since 2006-06-06

Posts 513

0 posted 2006-06-08 08:16 PM

This is one of the few times
I don’t know what to do
I know that it seems silly,
but I’m breaking over you
I want to know what to do
So I can make this right
I know that it seems silly
but I can’t sleep at night
I'd do anything to get back
The little friendship that we had
But I don't know what to do
I think I'm going mad
I wish someone could tell me
Exactly what to do
Because I know that it seems silly
But I'm breaking over you

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

1 posted 2006-06-08 10:40 PM

this was okay. not the best but i did enjoy it.

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

2 posted 2006-06-09 12:41 PM

I liked this.. not as much as your other one.. but this was good. kind of repetitive but I guess it's ok.. the line that you repeated made sense so.. good job.. keep writing..

~Heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-06-09 01:29 AM

Well, I also thought this was “okay”, like Heather said not as good as the one I just read, but okay…

It might be a little bit repetitive, but I think stanzas might help? Maybe not, but I might try putting stanzas at the start of every line you end with “silly”, does that make sense, I hope so?

I loved the beginning part of this, where you start off saying,

“This is one of the few times
I don’t know what to do
I know that it seems silly”

That sounds like something I would do… have trouble saying? Umm, yeah, I “relate” well to this part. You notice we say “relate” a lot? I wonder if there is a replacing word for that… I’m off tract…

I did enjoy this poem even though I didn’t believe it was as good as the last one, I still found it interesting, it sums everything up in just a few lines, very nicely done

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