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Teen Poetry #7
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pen&paper
Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513


0 posted 2006-06-08 08:16 PM



This is one of the few times
I don’t know what to do
I know that it seems silly,
but I’m breaking over you
I want to know what to do
So I can make this right
I know that it seems silly
but I can’t sleep at night
I'd do anything to get back
The little friendship that we had
But I don't know what to do
I think I'm going mad
I wish someone could tell me
Exactly what to do
Because I know that it seems silly
But I'm breaking over you  

© Copyright 2006 Cierra L. Robbeloth - All Rights Reserved
bekahlekah45
Senior Member
since 2006-03-14
Posts 533

1 posted 2006-06-08 10:40 PM


this was okay.  not the best but i did enjoy it.  
the_girl_next_door
Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591
USA
2 posted 2006-06-09 12:41 PM


I liked this.. not as much as your other one.. but this was good. kind of repetitive but I guess it's ok.. the line that you repeated made sense so.. good job.. keep writing..

~Heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
3 posted 2006-06-09 01:29 AM


Well, I also thought this was “okay”, like Heather said not as good as the one I just read, but okay…

It might be a little bit repetitive, but I think stanzas might help? Maybe not, but I might try putting stanzas at the start of every line you end with “silly”, does that make sense, I hope so?

I loved the beginning part of this, where you start off saying,

This is one of the few times
I don’t know what to do
I know that it seems silly


That sounds like something I would do… have trouble saying? Umm, yeah, I “relate” well to this part. You notice we say “relate” a lot? I wonder if there is a replacing word for that… I’m off tract…

I did enjoy this poem even though I didn’t believe it was as good as the last one, I still found it interesting, it sums everything up in just a few lines, very nicely done

@-->---

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