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Teen Poetry #7
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were alive underground
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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were alive underground |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
Even when we count the stars like the letter i's in our daily conversations we still end up short handed. With long arms and turned up noses. Not in vainty, but in question. The day held half a moon within it's light blue fire. And the airplanes left zig zags for us to follow. Even when the time does come is it all that we expected it to be. Even when we lie caught up in yellow sheets and warm skin. Is the likeness of mind present. Like a stabbing, brutual awakening. This is what our day is. We are that cup of ice water in the morning. We are quietly aware. We take the last lonely place and plant green and pink blossoms. We build tiny little houses with four windows each and all the walls taste like mint. then we shrink down to size to fit through the door in the vine. I've spent the entire day building rocking chairs, so we each can sit in our spot. We watch our individual sunsets, and yell to eachother down the halls. It's half of a day with the white tree stump sitting within it's own majesty, it looks more alive now then it did when it stood tall. Underground is where we go to become whole once more. Where we stay up all night laying in the curves of it's twisting roots, we laugh and our smiles are mirrored in the bark. Even after we count all the flowers on the stems and come up empty handed. We proceed to count the petals. [This message has been edited by Lexy (04-01-2005 11:32 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2005 Alexis Smith - All Rights Reserved | |||
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Lexy, This has some really good imagery in it... Unfortunately, I found the format of it a little hard to read. I think a lot of the imagery and descriptions were lost in the wordiness and the way this poem is formatted. Maybe try making it more concise, or atleast breaking it into easier to read stanzas... Not quite as long. Even when we count the stars like the letter i's in our daily conversations we still end up short handed. This is a great line, but it takes a couple readings to understand what it means, since the thoughts get lost in the long sentence. I really like these lines: Even when we lie caught up in yellow sheets and warm skin. Is the likeness of mind present. Like a stabbing, brutual awakening. This is what our day is. Comparing the day to the unpleasent awakening is great... You may want to consider reformatting that sentence though.. Maybe something like: the day comes, like a stabbing, brutal awakening Thats just my opinion though... I just found the period in that thought abrupt, and I think it takes away from the metaphor. The ending to this is great as well... Great job! |
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dodge_chick2003 Member
since 2004-01-18
Posts 136California |
wow drummerboy needs to ease up. I thought this was very god. But then angain i dont think i have ever read one from you that wasn't. Keep up the good work. |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
"Ease up?" Ok, my bad... Great poem, keep writing! Is that a more typical response? Lexy is a great poet, I've enjoyed reading her poetry for a while... Just thought I'd offer some advice... she doesn't have to take it. |
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electricxheart Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 184far away from home. |
What I like most about your poetry is that you get so caught up in the words and the meanings within meanings. It seems you wrote this like you were out of breath and needed to get everything out as quick as possible. I like how it all runs together. Amazing writing, Lexy. -Kelly You play the song I know. |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
I like when others pick apart how I write. it helps me grow. I haven't written in a while. so it was like build up. I like threw this up into the sink and then tried to put it in a pretty cup. lol. I don't like typical responses. thats not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for honesty. [This message has been edited by Lexy (04-02-2005 12:01 AM).] |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
i enjoyed it. Some things like the walls made of mint just didn't make sense to me. I don't know, my small mind just can't handle your thoughts.  drummerboy, keep up the good responses. It becomes sickening to hear the same things fall from people's mouths. Progress requires critique. |
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PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA |
I thought this poem had a lot of great imagery and thoughts, but I found it hard to read with the way it is formatted, maybe try this: Even when we count the stars like the letter i's in our daily conversations we still end up short handed. With long arms and turned up noses. Not in vainty, but in question. The day held half a moon within it's light blue fire. And the airplanes left zig zags for us to follow. "Even when the time does come is it all that we expected it to be. Even when we lie caught up in yellow sheets and warm skin. Is the likeness of mind present. Like a stabbing, brutual awakening. This is what our day is. We are that cup of ice water in the morning. We are quietly aware." Maybe, maybe not! Hehe just my opinion! XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo |
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
well mint is refreshing. is it not? licking walls of mint is a desperate attempt to reinvent ourselves. sometimes I think we try to hard to make things logical. let it be what it feels like without having to make sense in the way it does to me. create your own meaning. |
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