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croyles
Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 102

0 posted 2005-01-07 10:46 PM

This is an unfinished poem that i wrote on a bus trip to heathrow airpot while i was very bored. Just wondering what you people think of it SO far...

Although the lines are short, dont leave great big pauses inbetween the lines, otherwise it will sound **** .

For thirteen long years
you stay on low ground,
and know not of heights
that roam all around.
Your lifes full of bliss
thats not worth to miss,
and yet you wonder...
"O What is that sound?"
So your strapped on with bags
and a few worn out tools
to climb endless heights
and mountainous cruels,
until one long day
you stumble away
to crush your soft head
on very hard rocks.

So dazed and confused
you strole into caves
and forgot what comes next
when morning decays.
You forget which damn way
is up or is down
and for a long while
your tempted by sidepaths.

But you find someone else
whos in the same cave
and together you flee
from corpses less saved.

------------

Dont know if i achieved it to be kind of jokey, but i hope i did.

Strider612
Junior Member

since 2003-12-21

Posts 46
Alabama, United States of America

1 posted 2005-01-08 12:00 PM

It seems kind of weird to me, if you want my honest opinion. I'm not sure what point you're trying to make with it. Maybe I'm just missing something, but you did say it wasn't finished. I'd say it's worth doing that.

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

2 posted 2005-01-09 03:36 AM

i loved " when morning decays."
i am looking forward to the finished product... i had to double read it and still dont fully understand it but you got me to finish a long poem so congrats on that

croyles
Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 102

3 posted 2005-01-09 12:35 PM

there are two possibilities:

1: My poem was too vague even though i had clear images in my head.

2: I am such a genius that no one can understand it in which case i am very unfortunate because i am going stick with point 1.

Ok, i see there is definitely at least a clarification needed. I put way too many metaphores in this poem but they are my favourite in poetry. Call me a Tenessee Williams crazyness.

For thirteen long years
You stay on low ground
And know not of heights
That roam all around.

This is a metaphor for puberty. You are happy and well for thirteen long years until you see a load of mountains that need climbing so you dont stay "low". Understand it?

Your lifes full of bliss
Thats not worth to miss

No explanation needed there.

And yet you wonder
"O what is that sound?"

You are happy with your life and where you are and yet your curious about the sounds that the mountain makes, i.e. the sound of a flowing river was the picture i had in mind. So your curiosity leads you up the mountain a bit.

So your strapped on with bags
And a few worn out tools
To climb endless heights
And mountainous cruels.

Before you know it and before you have actually fully grasped on to that curiosity it seems as though you were chucked right in the middle of the teenage life, which explains "strapped on with bags and a few worn out tools"

Until one long day
you stumble away
to crush your soft head
on very hard rocks.

This part is a bit different. I used a rythmic device, which surely everyone knows and is not very amazing. rocks does not rhyme with head and is supposed to give you a shock. as for the meaning of this part: You cannot deal with everything there is to deal with and you "stumble away" (i.e. like a lot of parts in this poem, the metaphors are supposed to be able to be applied not to just one kind of situation, but many. "to crush your soft head on very hard rocks" could mean that you just dont know what to do anymore, your feeling a bit hopeless, your dillusioned from drugs or anything else really. :P )

So dazed and confused
you strole into caves
and forget what comes next
when morning decays.

You start to feel isolated from the world, but only because your doing it to yourself, and you forget everything else apart from your pain.

You forget which damn way
is up or is down

You dont know what the right thin to do is anymore, and so

And for a long while
Your tempted by sidepaths

So instead of personal growth, you stay where you are, not really doing anything with your life.

But your find someone else
whos in the same cave
and together you flee
from corpses less saved.

Some people never try to do anything about depression or any sort of pain that they may be feeling, "corpses less saved" is what that refers to.

Ok i know this poem was strange, a bit too vague and had absolutely no good and purposely made rhythm or beautiful language but i just tried to pack it up with meaning, if there was any that is. Also, it was supposed to be like as if you were looking back to the old days and laughing about yourself.

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

4 posted 2005-01-09 12:53 PM

hmmm... it is very different but sometimes i just write stuff down and others cant understand it... its just how i feel and not really for anyone else but me. it is good to be vague sometimes and i like the way you hide the meanings... it kinda leaves for open interpretation.

croyles
Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 102

5 posted 2005-01-09 12:58 PM

exactly how i felt.

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