Untitled..suggestions needed

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tapper798
Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 353
My own world

0 posted 2005-01-02 04:28 PM

Trapped in this darkened fog,
Its transparent ness surrounds me,
I’m surrounded by it yet so alone,
What a colorless life I now lead.

My eyes no longer bright and blue,
My cheeks no longer flushed,
My lips no longer sing a song,
For my voice is now so hushed.

I’m just a grey figment of the fog,
To everyone else I’m no longer there,
I exist yes, and I’m there when they need me,
But when they don’t I just disappear.

The only color left in me
Are the crimson tears I cry,
People assume I’m always ok,
That’s what they always imply.

My lifeless body acts ok and
then I break down when I’m alone,
the tears are buried deep inside,
into the marrow of my bones.

I need someone to take hold of me,
And show me that they’ll be there,
Show me that they won’t walk away,
They’ll always show they care.

I need someone to clear the fog,
And show me there is light,
I swing and kick and try so hard,
But alone this is a useless fight.

My tears are painful and continuous,
How much more can I bare?
How much longer can I live my life,
Knowing that no one is there?

-Erin

Sorry guys, hard times call for somewhat depressing poetry :-/ Let me know what you think anyways!(o and any title suggestions)

AIM-blueyed angel940
One day u'll ask which is more important,u or my life. I'll answer my life and u'll walk away never knowing u are my life.

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

1 posted 2005-01-02 05:41 PM

I thought it was great, and re-worked it for you with a few suggestions to look and think about from another's perspective, but don't see your email here. Maybe you can email me so I can send you my version? You speak for many in this poem who feel invisible even in a crowd, it is a common feeling I am afraid.

Happy New Year Tapper.

Mysteria/Sharon
[email protected]

Carpe' Diem

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

2 posted 2005-01-02 11:10 PM

"My lifeless body acts ok and
then I break down when I'm alone,
the tears are buried deep inside,
into the marrow of my bones."

My poems aren't the only one that are unusually relevent. This also hits the nail on the head, and is unfortuntate in that as well. I've written a great many poems on this subject, and relate to this even more than most of my own. I think I'll find the best stanza and make a wallpaper... Sorry that the time's your going through are so hard. But remember this: sometimes we look for the help we need in the wrong places. A good friend can accomplish more than a boyfriend/fiance/husband/lover/significant other ever could, though it often isn't as much of a bandage for the pain. It's as you said, the right choice is often that which pains us most. I share in your misery.

-Rich

Winamp Is Playing:
"Wander"
Kamelot
Epica

"I am a part of the world that I hate/I wish would come faster, my world's a distaster," - Crossfade "Starless"

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