Gifts of Innosense(Bloody Innosense)

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tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

0 posted 2004-12-06 08:14 PM

youngblood i took some advice you gave me over the summer on this poem and revised it hope you like this version better!
****************************************************

Tomorrow my innosense I will give away
Falling in love with you has brought me to shame

I do not understand how it happened like this
Everything started with one simple kiss

Broken hearts and troubled minds
I can not decide whether or not to give up my prime

We both swore that we would wait
But that was before our first date

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

1 posted 2004-12-06 08:20 PM

I like the idea. "innosense" should be "innocence" and "can not" should be "cannot". I thought this one was a tad bit unclear, but like I said, there was a good idea behind it. Keep up the work, this could lead to great things.

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

2 posted 2004-12-06 10:41 PM

Well, this poem makes me feel guilty.  That happened in my last relationship, and I'm not sure, now, that it was the best idea.  A very emotional poem that I really felt at the heart.  Not unclear to me at all.

                              -Rich

P.S. - youngblood?  you've got one he-- heck of an advisor there!

"I'm burning in the heavens,
and I'm drowning in a hell.
And my soul is in a coma
and none of my friends can tell,"
~Take Me~ Papa Roach

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

3 posted 2004-12-07 11:40 AM

I think this is very cliche-ish. I've heard all those lines so many times before, maybe not in exactly the same words, but basically. I think you should try harder and try to be more imaginative when you write...try using metaphors or imagery or something..Anyways, your constructive critique thing says to tell you what I think, and give you ways to better your poems, so I'm just trying to help.

"Cuz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome, and I don't feel right when you're gone away..."~ Seether

"I shut my eyes and hold my cries to myself"~ Taproot

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

4 posted 2004-12-07 04:06 PM

The poem is alittle unclear, but that's probably because you wrote it from personal experience that other people may not be able to understand...am I right? lol.
Constructive critism...hm...all I can think is to make it longer, add more details...simple stuff like that.

But either way, I like this poem alot. And I do like this revision alot better from the orginal! This is going into my library. Keep writing!

Happy Holidays!

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