Teen Poetry #7 |
Gifts of Innosense(Bloody Innosense) |
tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
youngblood i took some advice you gave me over the summer on this poem and revised it hope you like this version better! **************************************************** Tomorrow my innosense I will give away Falling in love with you has brought me to shame I do not understand how it happened like this Everything started with one simple kiss Broken hearts and troubled minds I can not decide whether or not to give up my prime We both swore that we would wait But that was before our first date |
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© Copyright 2004 Laura Risner - All Rights Reserved | |||
Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
I like the idea. "innosense" should be "innocence" and "can not" should be "cannot". I thought this one was a tad bit unclear, but like I said, there was a good idea behind it. Keep up the work, this could lead to great things. |
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HopelessRomanticGuy Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495LI, New York |
Well, this poem makes me feel guilty. That happened in my last relationship, and I'm not sure, now, that it was the best idea. A very emotional poem that I really felt at the heart. Not unclear to me at all. -Rich P.S. - youngblood? you've got one he-- heck of an advisor there! "I'm burning in the heavens, |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
I think this is very cliche-ish. I've heard all those lines so many times before, maybe not in exactly the same words, but basically. I think you should try harder and try to be more imaginative when you write...try using metaphors or imagery or something..Anyways, your constructive critique thing says to tell you what I think, and give you ways to better your poems, so I'm just trying to help. "Cuz I'm broken, when I'm lonesome, and I don't feel right when you're gone away..."~ Seether |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
The poem is alittle unclear, but that's probably because you wrote it from personal experience that other people may not be able to understand...am I right? lol. Constructive critism...hm...all I can think is to make it longer, add more details...simple stuff like that. But either way, I like this poem alot. And I do like this revision alot better from the orginal! This is going into my library. Keep writing! Happy Holidays! |
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