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bubblegum
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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bubblegum |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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she blurs them all together dating one monstrosity of everyone she's ever know you can't get that close whisper sweet things in the phone she'll disregard you later, you know it never much mattered what you'd say it couldn't stop her she is this sweet strange girl his blunt hurt princess your crazy punk rock girl a different person to everyone they remember her laugh those short shorts she wore as she ran screaming down away from you he remembers her tears when he hurt her he knew exactly what he was doing to make her cry and you You just remember her turtle earrings and all those songs unwrapping a piece of bubblegum to pop a bubble in your face. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
quote: I love this stanza wonderful and it seems to ring true with me. Only thing that I have to say is that perhaps the “know” is meant to be “known”? Personally I think you could have done more with the presentation to reinforce the imagery, for example; “she blurs them all together dating one monstrosity of everyone she's ever know” That probably breaks the flow too much but it’s what I would have done. quote: I like this stanza although I thought, that “it couldn’t stop her” should have been attached to the stanza as it seems relevant to the stanza, whilst the single line above seems to be more detached from the subject of the first stanza. quote: Probably my favourite stanza because of the three different almost contradictory viewpoints. quote: These stanza’s are quite confusing, I know that you are trying to represent these three viewpoints but in the fourth stanza you represent two viewpoints and it’s not clear where the two viewpoints are separated. Fifth stanza is good and to be honest I think I know what you are saying here; that her boyfriend was hurting her deliberately? Probably wrong but that’s how I’m interpreting it  quote: I really like this last stanza, it’s quite sweet and very well written. Err sorry for the dissection, I was just in the mood for it, I really enjoyed reading this if that didn’t come across elsewhere. |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
i won't analyze it as much as he did because i'm lazy (lol sorry) but i really did like this. first off, the title is eye catching and used in the poem which is good stuff. i like the first stanza as well, but the one about the guy making her cry and knowing why? as my weird english teacher would say 'that's a GOLD NUGGET!" :-p. keep writing =)i'm puttin this in my library. bergundy "Be who you want and do what you will, in the end those who matter won't mind, and those who mind won't matter." -Dr Suess- (a brilliant man) |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Zu, you're right, it should be known, not know. You've inspired me to consider a rewrite on this, so thank you. I'm glad you like it and I love that you dissected it. I love it when people break things down and analyze them or explain things for me. Thanks bergundy! |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
I cant analize it like Zu cause I'm too lazy..lol...plus I probably wouldn't even know what I'm doing.  But in shortest terms, I liked it alot. Great job Allysa!  ~Alli~ *:.AIM = Alli4000.:* My Journal |
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Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Allysa has always had her own style it's different but at the same time it tingles the brain meaning to say, one has to think that's exactly what Zu has done  good work Allysa nice to be back in here seeing the same faces keep sharing |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
rewriten, posted in latest Teen forum. just, in case anyone reads this and wants to know. |
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