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Broken*~*Angel
New Member

since 2006-02-27

Posts 6

0 posted 2006-02-27 01:23 PM

DO YOU SEE ME?

Do you see me?
As we stand so near yet so distant
Do u see my heart my soul
All that I will be
In an instant
My heart a deep dark hole

Do you see me?
Across the sea of pain
The hurt emblazoned on my heart
Can’t you see?
I have nothing to gain
Love is overshadowed by the dark

Do you see me?
Across the torment
Of hate and deceit
I wish to be free
But the road is bent
A destiny alone I will meet

Do you see me?
The human, I will be
Alone your heart a barrier
The death carrier
My eyes fade
All that you have made
Is dead
A haze of red
Do you see me?
You never have.

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

1 posted 2006-02-27 05:56 PM

This was a great poem. I like the way you didn't right exactly on rythym and still made the point you were trying to get across. loved it.

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

byski
Member

since 2006-01-26

Posts 235
Alberta, Canada

2 posted 2006-02-27 07:36 PM

Quite a good rythem actually, u have a good way of putting it together and then letting it fall apart, if u know what i mean.

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

3 posted 2006-02-27 10:03 PM

its wonderful. i was just wondering why you didn't keep up and stick with the six lines at the end. that was the only thing I didn't get about this. Loved the rest.

            xoxo
           Jessica

Where your heart lays
is where you belong.

helenadepp
Member

since 2006-01-16

Posts 59
durham, england

4 posted 2006-03-07 02:45 PM

I agree, i thought the way you kept the rhythm steady until the last stanza was fantastic. The rhythm is steady while you explain what is happening but when you actually come to realise the effects it has you lose that flow. Beautiful write, it made me smile.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

5 posted 2006-03-07 06:17 PM

Ummm… It’s nice? The thing I don’t really understand is, “The human, I will be”, personally I would change it to “The person I will be”.

Nice job though! I can’t seem to find the rhythm though… Other than that I like how it’s set up, putting stanza’s in really help the reader!

Thanks for sharing your poem

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