The Dark Wink of The Moon (edited)

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young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-10-29 11:36 AM

i added a transitional stanza in here. read my other one to see the difference.

The Dark Wink of The Moon

“There’s a newborn moon tonight.”
Whispers the late light.
“Covered in orange innocence, still
Slipping behind sackcloth clouds
And dripping soiled ashes.”

“Ah, but the moon takes the
Shortest path to midnight.”
Argues the early night.
“See how it bows it’s
Head in shame when the sun’s
Sleepy eyes open again?”

Smear across my eyes, Moon
Like slow crawling mascara.
Leave a trail that leads to
The thoughts that I safeguard.
And you kiss me hard,
All the while whispering,

“If that’s all you will be,
You’ll be a waste of time.”
Tie me to light and dark,
Sliding happiness and sorrow,
Leaving today and pursuing tomorrow.

…And all the people seated on the floor
Know I’m right, I’m doing right
I never meant to be like this…

now im alone, but not lonely like before

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

1 posted 2004-10-29 08:35 PM

In comparison to the other one. I like it. The last part is my favorite. It feels so apoligetic. tommorow...sorrow. no matter what I always hate that rhyme.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2004-11-01 10:47 AM

too bad about you not liking the tomorrow/sorrow rhyme. i thought the rhyme added that bit of contrasting music to the end of that line.

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

3 posted 2004-11-01 04:22 PM

Alex~
I greatly enjoyed the all of this piece~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram <))><

Email [email protected]

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

4 posted 2004-11-07 11:02 PM

thanks marge

~DreamChild~
Senior Member

since 2001-04-23

Posts 544
in your dreams

5 posted 2004-11-13 08:57 PM

~Express Yourself~

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

6 posted 2004-11-13 11:13 PM

thank you

ambivalence
Junior Member

since 2006-07-13

Posts 15
Canada

7 posted 2006-07-14 02:58 AM

Incendiary.

oh_my_goshijustgotexcited
Member

since 2006-07-12

Posts 52
USA, IDAHO

8 posted 2006-07-15 08:37 PM

i like this one a little more than your other one...great job. you really write amazing things hope you know that!
thanks for sharing!

Viola

M e m o r i e s
Junior Member

since 2006-07-15

Posts 14
Alaska, USA

9 posted 2006-07-15 09:32 PM

Me wuf! I like this very much! Glad you shared this.

I wish I could hear your songs, well, I love your lyrics anyway! ^^

Good luck with becoming a cooleo band! *cough*traveltoAlaskawhenyougetfamous*cough*

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