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Teen Poetry #7
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Sgt. Pepper’s Only Hearts Club
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Sgt. Pepper’s Only Hearts Club |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN 
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Sgt. Pepper’s Only Hearts Club We’re breaking out the best hearts Tonight, Gents. Is a soul the least of the parts In past pretense? Look to those who word your lines Behind stage And unlock the secrets of forgotten prize Among rage. I’ll be the bowl in china shop Or was it all bull? I’ll be the hole in your chest tonight, Smoking, not just gun, but the whole. (lot) What was the worst you could do? A forced smile winks as if to say “This soul is lost and if you knew Then you could follow the painful way.” I am full of crap And so are you, young men; Follow my lead to nowhere. Sgt. Pepper’s only hearts club meets again. now im alone, but not lonely like before |
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| © Copyright 2004 Alex Lewis - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
I like the idea, I like the title. I like the bull/bowl reference a lot, however, I don't think this is your best. I'd appreciate your comments on so much (3). it might be back a little bit, though, only one person replied and it wasn't very useful. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
I really enjoyed the message that you got across, but it's delivery I felt kind of let this poem down. Two of the stanza's rhymed and the rest didnt, whilst there are no rules to say that you can't do this, it is a little distracting to the reader, after the first stanza I was looking for the rhyme and when it didnt appear I figured that it was coincidence perhaps... then all of a sudden the rhyme reappears and then I'm thinking about the rhyme rather than the message. Still I enjoyed the read, keep up the good work. Andrew  |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
uh....all of the stanzas rhymed. i switched the rhyming scheme in the middle stanzas to set them off. Last time i checked though "gents" and "pretense" rhymed. anyway, thanks to you both for the comments. |
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~DreamChild~ Senior Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 544in your dreams |
oh stop being so technical man. lighten up a bit! ~Express Yourself~ |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
ah, but growth is always a technicality... |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
First off , good poem! secondly- woah...marshalzu is still replying?!?!?!?!........OLD SKOOL PIPPERS IN THE HIZOUSE!!!!! ok back to the poem.  I agree with Zu on what he was saying..... I usually use the word "Flow" when describing it though. It gets choppy in some places and although you might have done it on purpose, maybe there was a better way to make it obvious as far as format is concerned? Regardless, the message was nice. And yeah, i think gents and pretense does rhyme. Anywayz, i have read up on something called "indirect rhyme" lol.....so if there's some way to "indirectly rhyme", im sure you could use tons of words that dont rhyme and just say they do...just indirectly anywayz haha, niceo ne here. Title caught me eye, mate! keep them coming  "One good thing about music: when it hits you feel no pain"- Bob Marley |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
thanks dopey. it's always good to have you read and comment |
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punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
yay another good one. i love your style not jsut in your poetry but in your pic too. lol sorry off subject. wooo k awesome poem hun i really loved how it all went together. awesome write. robin hi my name is robin and i am addicted to poetry and matt! |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
haha...thank you very much. |
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