so much for run on sentences (2)

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Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

0 posted 2004-10-05 01:17 PM

The picture in this box
has faded from my eyes, disappearing
vanishing like you
like empty feelings
it's been replaced

She stutters at you

Closed eyes, opened minds
no words humiliate your ears
I am silence and I smile

Only for you would I
I let it all go flying away
didn't try to grab hold
and leave you alone
I never could

I lost courage

Somewhere around the time
when you stole my hope and my feelings
and left me simply dreaming
with the color red
my only companion

So much for these
stupid run on sentences
covering my thoughts
ridding you of the problem
and smothering the cold, dead
like fairly worn mittens

[This message has been edited by SEA (10-08-2004 10:54 AM).]

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

1 posted 2004-10-05 05:39 PM

Wow. i Love it, buut i think i like the first one more...

Karissa

I ask why, but in my mind,
I find i cant really rely on myself.
~~~Linkin Park~~~

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

2 posted 2004-10-05 08:04 PM

"Only for you would I
let it all go flying away"

These two lines were my favorite...can't explain why, they just stuck out to me.

I'm not sure which poem I like better, but this one is definatly going into my library.

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

3 posted 2004-10-07 07:24 PM

it was pretty good. the only lines i didn't like were these

...disappearing
vanishing like you
like my brown hair
it's been replaced

they were too obvious. i didn't like the whole hair comparison either, it was kinda...weird. well the rest was good though. good luck on your project!

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

4 posted 2004-11-15 01:53 AM

hey long time no see
I can tell a growth in your work
still got the touch
hopefully we all can meet each other here again and share what we had before
awesome reading you again
thanks for sharing

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

5 posted 2004-11-15 08:15 AM

Great writing

~DreamChild~
Senior Member

since 2001-04-23

Posts 544
in your dreams

6 posted 2004-11-16 05:42 PM

So much for these
stupid run on sentences
covering my thoughts...

very powerful piece of the poem.

hence the title...

i thought it was a good write.

~Express Yourself~

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