Monkey in the Middle - pipTalk Forums

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Don_Juan
Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 252
Far from where I am going

0 posted 2004-09-20 07:22 PM

Monkey in the Middle

magnificant yet malenourished sunset
a beautiful array of pinks, reds, and violets
highlight and offset the horizon
cut short, strangled by menacing darkness
orange spheres of artificial suns
tied to wooden poles
cast overbearing and inconcievably large
shadows of baren overgrowth
to obscure an already hazy path
metal monstrocities roll through rivers
of underdeveloped asphalt and yellow paint
a parking lot without light
houses only one soul as it lies
in melancholoy admiration
of the stars freedom to be
the love lorn strolls
on a well known journey
of depression and boredom
just to clear thoughts
and make sense of a crumbling world
standing under a street light
he screams out to nothing and no one
just to make it better
could it make it better?
mind collapses
as his heart hardens
to impenetrable stone
as love eludes and plays
monkey in the middle
with his thoughts
would it ever be made better?
a journey of redemption
within a city
ends with nothin more
than a pair of sore legs
and tired eyes

(a poem that i wrote after taking a walk around my city at sunset. comments on what i can do better in this poem would be appreciated.)

nice use of muffin

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2004-09-20 08:33 PM

well done. i haven't read poems in a while and this was good to come back to.

best lines:

metal monstrocities roll through rivers
of underdeveloped asphalt and yellow paint
a parking lot without light

worst lines: anything having to do with monkey in the middle. i know that was the premise kinda of your poem, but i thought it was kinda cheesy. the rest i liked. i would suggest a bit more creativity with the description of the sunset. i know that it gets hard, but i know you can come up with something more creative.

anyway, well done on this.
-alex

Don_Juan
Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 252
Far from where I am going

2 posted 2004-09-20 10:11 PM

Ah a comment i can work with. Thanks alot for reading this. The monkey in the middle was really just a spur of the moment thing until i can come up with a better analogy. Thanks for the input

nice use of muffin

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