The Other Side of Me - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

0 posted 2004-07-26 07:05 PM

This is the first thing I've written in about 3 months...So if it's crappy, it's okay to tell me lol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can’t let you see,
The side of me,
That’s weak,
The side that’s vulnerable.
And I can’t speak,
About the side that’s unstable.

The side that just wants to cry,
To break-down.
Believe in me when I try,
To stay afloat and not drown….
In my tears….
In my tears…

This is the side,
That won’t let you,
Get in.
The side that’s locked away.
I can’t even begin,
To explain what I go through….everyday….

I can’t remember when it wasn’t there….
To haunt my every step….

"I tried so hard...But in the end...It doesn't even matter...."~Linkin Park

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2004-07-26 08:01 PM

I think this kind of poem is pretty much to the point as far as style goes, BUT it connects to so many people out there. I know exactly how this feels because I, too, go through this kind of stuff on a daily basis....

I think a lot of people do, actually.

Very well done! I remember your alias too! Good to see some familiar faces still posting in here. We need more poems, more members, and a teen population like before. Let's get this place rolling, man

I left my wallet in El Segundo...
And I gotta get it
I got got to get it!

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

2 posted 2004-07-30 01:09 AM

I really like this. I get into blocks like that. I'm in one right now to be honest. I guess i've just lost my edge.
For now...~lol`

The Poem was really good. the flow was a little edgy, but i liked the overall point. I think everyone has that feeling, sumtimes atleast. I know i do.

Karissa

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

Copperbell
Senior Member

since 2003-11-08

Posts 956

3 posted 2004-07-31 12:20 PM

I so hear you.

- a secret - I have friends who I see them hiding this part of them...and I so long for them to let me in, to let me be a friend to them, 'cuz I know them enough to know some of what they think is hidden

- another secret - I've so done this, and I've learned how to let healthy people in, people who care - what a relief

muslimah
New Member

since 2004-01-12

Posts 8

4 posted 2004-07-31 06:02 PM

Hey, I think the content in the poem was good and well done, but the one thing I noticed was that the grammar took away from it- mostly too many commas at the end of a line that shouldn't be there (which breaks up the sentence and the whole "flow" of the piece). Other than that, I like it

muslimah

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

5 posted 2004-07-31 10:43 PM

No this isn't your best work. But it is one that people can really relate to. Myself included.
The first few lines really drew me in, just because I always feel like that too. You described the feelings well. I especially love the 2nd stanza.
Thanks for sharing.

WinterWren-
Counting stars wishing I was ok,
Crashing down was my biggest mistake.

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

6 posted 2004-08-14 08:04 PM

Hello

I remember you quite well. You always had very good work. I agree with what Dopey has said. Although it's often too hard to let those who know us well, to know that side of us...it's so easy to let people who don't know us and have no expectations see every side of us through writing. That might have come out jumbled lol but i hope you get what i'm saying. great write!

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

Manth88
Junior Member

since 2003-06-15

Posts 45
IL, USA

7 posted 2004-08-23 12:37 PM

Hey Nice Write, Keep it up, and I am gonna sound like everyone else and say I know how ya feel!!

!^*Manth88*^!

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

8 posted 2004-08-26 11:42 AM

Sometimes it is hard to let others see all sides of us, but sometimes it benefits us to allow others to see, as Copperbell said, it CAN be a relief.

Actually hon, I think that this is one of your best. When going for form, then stick to all the p's and q's of writing,
but when writing from your heart and for relief?
JUST WRITE!
write on..write on...

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

9 posted 2004-08-26 10:58 PM

First off, this poem is not crappy!
Second, don't worry about the writer's block, I've been in a block for a lllloooonnnngggg time...

Anyways, the lines on the poem that really pulled me in were:

"I can’t let you see,
The side of me,
That’s weak,
The side that’s vulnerable."

Nice job! Keep It Up!!

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

10 posted 2004-08-27 10:16 AM

Thanks everyone, I'm glad you all liked this.

"I tried so hard...But in the end...It doesn't even matter...."~Linkin Park

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.