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Fleur
Member

since 2004-04-09

Posts 103

0 posted 2004-04-19 01:23 PM

Only a Week!

You changed my life,
From the day you came,
At the hotel we met,
And right away felt the same.

Only a week I worked,
Only a week it took,
For us to get in love,
And make it work.

20 times a day you called,
I brang you food and talked,
Closer we began to be,
The way I felt was indeed.

Something the chef didn’t know,
About tje reason for the bringings in true;
At the hotel two lovers had met,
But, soon they’ll be separate.

But the love; they’ll keep on stage,
The millions of miles won’t change,
The love they’ve felt in days,
Which fill their hearts with pain.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2004-04-19 01:56 PM

first off, the word brang doesn't exist. i just looked it up in webster and it most definately does not exist. their were numerous typos/grammatical errors which made this a difficult read. i can understand typos though, it happens to me all the time. as far as the rhyming/rhythm went...it was tough. you started out using a abcb then didnt use any rhyming then went back to abcb. switching rhyming schemes must be done smoothly and be used to your advantage. it's like switching timing in music, it cannot be done abruptly. this wasnt a horrible effort or anything. this is just a mediocre poem. cute subject though.

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 418
Earth

2 posted 2004-04-19 07:03 PM

well i liked it...but i agree with the other comment,..u should try to put more in what ur trying to say rather than trying to rythm ...but i liked it keep it upp..

::^love^::

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

3 posted 2004-04-19 10:25 PM

dido... Awesome poem overall though...

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

Fleur
Member

since 2004-04-09

Posts 103

4 posted 2004-04-20 09:19 AM

I realle appreciate your comments. I know, I have a lot of mistakes. But that's because i'm not good at spelling...

Thanks anyway...

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

5 posted 2004-04-21 05:56 PM

I agree with everyone else - a couple grammer problems - but still a great poem. Nice job.

~Alli~

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