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silhouetted
Senior Member

since 2004-01-30

Posts 537
New Zealand

0 posted 2004-08-12 02:07 AM

your flesh is all i taste
and ur salty lies trickle down my lip
as i wipe it away with my sleeve
just to notice nothings there
and your lies just keep slipping down from my mouth
and i keep trying to get rid of them
realising only you can stop these lies
that run with their own legs out of my mouth
and i cant help thinking it was all because of you i now taste this
all because you led me astray
all because you made me feel weak
and useless
and all because you made me who i am now
and because i hate her
all she does is spit filthy lies that only cause more hell in her life
and she just smiles them away
like it was all meant to unfoil this way
like it was meant to become the biggest lie that everyone thought was real
and she just wants to get out
and wipe the lies off her mouth

"When i close my eyes, i remember how to smile, under my umbrella im an accomplished exile..."

darkness_witch
Senior Member

since 2003-12-03

Posts 516
Underneath

1 posted 2004-08-12 06:05 AM

hi
didnt get this one
and it seemed to change from "your lies" to "her lies" and got lost in it. didnt really understand wat happened.......... and how you were tasting their flesh sorta gave me the worng impression to begin with

you asked me to tell you whats wrong with your poem, so thats my two cents.

have a nice day

nirvana means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world.

Hollow_Emptiness
Senior Member

since 2004-02-01

Posts 715
New Zealand

2 posted 2004-08-13 12:03 PM

Blunt, Soph.

Anyway, personally I thought that you talked about lies too much in the beginning. The end, in my opinion was the best part, and I agree with Sophie on the "your lies" to "her lies" thing.

Sorry I didn't ring you, will tonight, me and Kelly talked about it today.
Hollow. Courts.

"Why are my visions so unliving with dreams? And why do I no longer care?" - Stygian

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