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SwEeTnSeXy18
Member

since 2000-09-18

Posts 247
nc

0 posted 2004-06-29 12:02 PM

"Alone"

My throat closes painfully
The tears course my face daily
At times I feel I'll go insane
Since I am alone with this pain
My heart feels full of rain its hard to stay sane
Most of the time I'm in pain for the dumb mistake I made
I wonder am I the one to blame or is it you who caused this pain
Every time I look at you and have to lie I feel like I could die but, instead just sigh and once again tell the lie
I wonder why it had to be you and not some other guy then I wouldn't have to lie
I'll try to smile not cry and may be some joyous day I won't have to lie and you'll be my guy

~in order to gain, you have to lose~

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

1 posted 2004-07-01 06:35 PM

I like the thoughts you expressed, but the rhyming sounded a little forced. Don't worry I've done that before too.

~Alli~

SwEeTnSeXy18
Member

since 2000-09-18

Posts 247
nc

2 posted 2004-07-01 10:48 PM

Thanks for the advice Alli. Most of my poems however do rhyme.

Lisa

~in order to gain, you have to lose~

Sweetest Sorrow X
Member

since 2004-01-19

Posts 146
From a cradle to a casket

3 posted 2004-07-04 05:49 PM

I love it
<3
Persephone

You better count your lucky stars that everything I wish for..doesnt come true

SwEeTnSeXy18
Member

since 2000-09-18

Posts 247
nc

4 posted 2004-07-05 12:22 PM

Thanks for reading my poem sweetest sorrow. I look forward to reading some of your work!

Lisa

~in order to gain, you have to lose~

darkness_witch
Senior Member

since 2003-12-03

Posts 516
Underneath

5 posted 2004-07-05 01:32 AM

mm prty gd

felt it had a bit of forced rhyming and forced rhythm

ideas good

keep it up

darkness

nirvana means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world.

SwEeTnSeXy18
Member

since 2000-09-18

Posts 247
nc

6 posted 2004-07-05 05:47 PM

Thanks for reading my poem darkness. I didnt meant to may it this way it just came out like that. I go on emotions when I write not structure.

Lisa

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