Moment of Anguish - pipTalk Forums

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Dark Poetry #4

Moment of Anguish

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

0 posted 2003-12-25 05:12 PM

mind explosion
nervous breakdown
rocking
clenching bloody teeth
just make it stop
please make all of this go
away

can not
take it anymore
this grueling
endless ride
do not
can not
- hold on to any more pride

I don't
need
your petty talk
just go
away
I can't think
anymore

I didn't do anything to deserve this
just go
away
make
it
stop
before i explode

I need time.

* I wrote this at a time of great stress, so I admit it's probably not my best work...and reading it myself trying to critic it gives me a headache.

Love hurts as bad as it feels good.

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

1 posted 2003-12-25 07:51 PM

Lots of potent imagery and action words which could, if you so chose, be rewritten in longer format with short breaks to heighten the impact.

mind explosion courting nervous breakdown,
rocking lullabied bloody teeth.
just make it stop; please make the madness
in this pale existence cease.

Just an example pulled from the body of this poem, with a near-rhyme scheme. However, write how you wanna write and disregard the naysayers.

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

2 posted 2003-12-25 09:21 PM

thank you for the advice Alicat =) I like your example, thank you... I've been trying to work on my vocabulary, so I hope that will help me to expand on this a little bit. i think the key is finding the right words. anywho, thanx again - have a groovin rokin Christmas & talk to ya laterz.

- River

Love hurts as bad as it feels good.

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