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Third Libra
Member

since 2003-08-10

Posts 125
South Carolina

0 posted 2003-12-24 11:29 AM

The hand of God looms so unjustly and cold
As he rests it over my pitiful and naked body so old
I lay fragile, overexposed on the dirty ground
For the reprocutions of my devilish actions have left me bound

The river of sin flowing from my viens soak the ground, disguisting
For the Angel of Truth and Love disclaired my soul rancid and forgotten
The innocence I once knew, I beheld, drowns. Gurgling under a hoard of demons
Insulting my fading beauty, as to mock my existence, now begotten

"Look, the snowman has a nose!" they taunt thee
Poking at my head without caution, the risk of electrick shock seething
Contumaciouc to their disturbing master, Satan, evil
Provoking the damned, as I am, for happiness no longer known or wonderful

So still I lay on my depressing death bed
Imminent art thou my death, in this existence of Vodka and blackouts
Continually emerging from obscurity, as acceptance has burned out
For my cries in the night are blurred by hundreds of noseblunts and nose bleeds

For again the crows feast on my Merry Christmas
In the same, they moan, "Blame it on Preston!"
So the broken clock stops time so my pain lasts forever
Eleemosynary for the seekers of sadness, none endeavor

Fading as I listen to Maynerd in sulking sadness
As the darkness completes thee
Torn in broken hallways of damnation
Growing old in a forgotten rapture

Love is only an excuse to hurt and to get hurt... Knowledge brings ye fear.

Purple Poet On Wheels
Member

since 2002-06-21

Posts 145
Pittsburgh/Edinboro, PA

1 posted 2003-12-24 01:24 PM

AMAZINGLY WRITTEN

About becoming a better poet:

Just live your life to the fullest and your

Purple Poet On Wheels
Member

since 2002-06-21

Posts 145
Pittsburgh/Edinboro, PA

2 posted 2003-12-24 01:25 PM

poetry will grow and develop as you do through life experice.

Cheers

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

3 posted 2003-12-24 01:43 PM

The semantical execution was wonderfully crafted. Some things of note were the modified spelling in some places, as well as the disjointed rhyme scheme, found in some verses, completely absent in others. Perhaps this was intentional, as the overall structure created a fragmentary sound.

One thing to listen for is the music of speech, the sounds of component words linked together, even when crafted into a darker prosaic piece. For when tuned, even the most macabre poem can sing, echoing harmonics down to the deepest layer of existence, where shadows breed and gibber.

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

4 posted 2003-12-25 03:23 PM

this is a sad but i think realistic description of death...makes a person think. good job =), and i also agree with Alicat.

- River

Love hurts as bad as it feels good.

[This message has been edited by River (12-25-2003 03:24 PM).]

Pollita
Member

since 2002-07-25

Posts 220
the unknown realm of insanity

5 posted 2003-12-26 07:17 PM

I liked this. Its very well written. Great job.

* A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey *

indra_babygirl
New Member

since 2003-12-27

Posts 2

6 posted 2003-12-27 11:44 PM

wow that poem was mesmerising

Third Libra
Member

since 2003-08-10

Posts 125
South Carolina

7 posted 2003-12-28 03:16 PM

Thanks everybody for reading. I'm glad ya'll liked it. And I do see what you're saying Alicat. Thanks for mentioning that.

Love is only an excuse to hurt and to get hurt... Knowledge brings ye fear.

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