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Dark Poetry #4
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Existance
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Existance |
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Kitherion Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 181Johannesburg |
Lost, In the sweet embrace of darkness I lie, Still, The world circling like a hawk, Quiet, Not a sound escapes. Screams, Disturb me in my recollections, Terror, Claws at my very soul, Sorrow, Washes over my existance. Found, Brought back from the very brink, Life, Throws itself at me, Sound, Buzzes through my ears. Sobbing, Sends me on my way, Acceptance, Envelops my being, Joy, As I escape to a new world. "Our Father who art in Heaven... Hallowed be thy name..." |
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| © Copyright 2008 Donovan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ziro Valentine New Member
since 2008-12-21
Posts 2 |
Hey that was very well written. The format was a little off-putting but I liked it  |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I must admit that the commas and the single-word lines alternating with variable-length lines make the form of this poem a tad jarring to the reader. Some of the poem sounds too cliche as well, like this: "Screams, Disturb me in my recollections, Terror, Claws at my very soul," You might like to lay off the word very as well. I'm only saying that from experience because I used to use it a lot in the very essence of my poetry and I think it detracted from the quality a bit.I did like the way you began each stanza with the alternating verbs "screams" and "sobbing" (you might like to replace sobbing with sobs, btw) and the adjectives "lost" and "found." The other alternations are cool, like "Still" / "Life" or "Terror" / "Acceptance" Life's short. Think hard! |
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midnightdreamer Member
since 2008-02-03
Posts 309Roy,ut |
i think it was great. don't change it. midnightdreamer She past you, but doesn't notice you. |
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