1:30 A.M. - September 9, 2008

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Dark Poetry #4

1:30 A.M. - September 9, 2008

RMelick
New Member

since 2008-11-16

Posts 4

0 posted 2008-11-17 06:16 PM

I laid in bed last night
Dreaming of whatever it might be.
I was fine until that moment
When I heard the gunshots.

Awake.
React.
Asses.
Breath.

I lay still on the floor
Next to my bed.
I had no idea where I was
Be it here or back there.

Breath.
Calm.
Listen.
Breath.

The sirens roared past
My window cracked a little.
Reality came back to me
The noise waking me up.

Relax.
Breath.
In.  Out.
Deep.

I cling to reality
Slippery as oil.
I was not there
But was home.

Stop.
Breath.
In.  Out.  In.  Out.
Good.

This is a poem relating my experiences and would love for people to be critical of it.  I am trying to workshop it and get it perfect.  If you have some ideas, please let me know.  I would like to perfect this.

midnightdreamer
Member

since 2008-02-03

Posts 309
Roy,ut

1 posted 2008-11-17 07:47 PM

honestly theres nothing wronge with it. it's beautiful the it is. don't change it. because then YOU won't have a ful claim over it. very beautiful poem. welcome to PIP.
midnightdreamer

She past you, but doesn't notice you.
Drained from emotion
she waits till death grasps her.
She faces it with no fear but rather welcomes it.

AAB
Member

since 2008-04-10

Posts 99
Canada

2 posted 2008-11-19 11:47 PM

Well i like the way youve written the breathing. Im just not sure that the story is fully explained. 'cuz i do feel there is more to it. The simplicity of the stanzas is really great. if you add or change anything keep the same format/style.

"Death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while" The Princess Bride

The Esoteric Being
Junior Member

since 2008-07-22

Posts 34
MA, USA

3 posted 2008-11-20 08:46 AM

very enjoyable... nice pattern and beautiful imagery. You described the event quite well

----------------
The Esoteric Being

GothicCherry
Member

since 2008-09-16

Posts 471
TN

4 posted 2008-11-20 12:13 PM

I appreciate the raw essence of the breathing to relay the feeling of the panick and then the calming effect of simple breaths. Nice work.

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