Forced Migration of this Rufous

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The Esoteric Being
Junior Member

since 2008-07-22

Posts 34
MA, USA

0 posted 2008-10-05 04:10 PM

A Raven in the night following me home,
haunted by this uninvited syndrome.
Denial holding deep in this black fantasy,
self-protection from the truth of this reality.

A Hummingbird desperately trying to feed,
the Raven in the night shadowing that need.
Flitting away, sensing this darkness near;
an imminent escape to a new frontier.

Flying higher now, feeling so light,
unburdened and lifted to this new height.
Liberation attainable with a building speed.
The Raven in the night left alone to bleed.

----------------
The Esoteric Being

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

1 posted 2008-10-09 02:48 PM

This is a really sweat poem with great concept.  I have some not critiques but thoughts, i think is a better word.

First, I will say some general things about structure.  The first is try to have patterns in poetry.  So you could have one thought per sentence or two, or you could inter change that[like every other].  Below in brackets are my suggestions.

A Raven in the night following [pursues] me home,
haunted by this uninvited syndrome[unrest].
Denial holding [clenches] deep in[+to] this black fantasy [ominous apparition],
self-protection [preservation] from the [what kind of truth *wink*]truth of this[my] reality[psuedo-life???].

A Hummingbird desperately trying to feed,[(;]
the Raven in the night shadowing[is the raven stalking or feeling the same way toward the humming bird] that need.
Flitting away,[what is, noun needed] sensing this [it's] darkness near;
an imminent escape to a new frontier. [words have preconceived feelings with them don't let the words in sentences contradict]

Flying higher now, feeling so light,[I would switch these two thoughts]
unburdened and lifted to this new height.[watch your tenses]
Liberation [+is] attainable with a building speed [at increasing speeds].
The Raven in the night left alone to bleed.

Now you are invited to rip apart my poetry.  I am currently working on a style that is a stream of thought [Wiki stream of thought].  Please critique and and let me know how I could improve the flow.

-Juju

-"So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos

The Esoteric Being
Junior Member

since 2008-07-22

Posts 34
MA, USA

2 posted 2008-10-12 03:13 PM

Thank you, Juju. I'll continue work on this one throughout the week. Nice input

----------------
The Esoteric Being

The Esoteric Being
Junior Member

since 2008-07-22

Posts 34
MA, USA

3 posted 2008-10-12 03:27 PM

By the way, I could use title suggestions, I don't like what I used :/

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

4 posted 2008-10-12 06:04 PM

"Projected omen" or "Preceded omens" or "Enabler"

Help?

Juju

-Juju

-"So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts " Silent all these Years, Tori Amos

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