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word play - cronyism
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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word play - cronyism |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
does it come with age your rage that rips apart the fragile seams of younger weaker things - the thread that binds the wind to sparrow’s wings the filaments that stitch the stars above the orphan’s crib the strands that hold the ribs to guard the victim heart from stones spit out by teeth ground down on spite and bitterness? |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Revision #2 - many thanks to my secret pal for help on this  does it come with age the rage that rips apart the fragile seams of younger weaker things - the thread that binds the wind to sparrow’s wings the filaments that stitch the stars above the orphan’s crib the strands that hold the ribs to guard the victim heart from stones? |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I nearly made a suggestion until I noticed you don't encourage them. So I'll just say - I really liked this. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Oops, I forgot to change my critique message. Thanks for the reminder, Grinch, and thanks for reading. Will get right at it. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
In that case: I liked this. Just three things that struck me: I’m not sure about the line breaks, there’s probably a very good reason that I‘m missing - come on Jen enlighten me I’m struggling. I kept wanting to replace “your” with “this” in L2, you’ve replaced it with “the” which doesn’t seem to have the same venom. My last niggle’s been sort of fixed in the revision - the ending was a bit weak where it really needed to be a solid punch. The revision fixed it by simply cutting the end and leaving the whole thing in mid-air as an unanswered question which, maybe after seeing the original, leaves me with the feeling that the poem’s a bit light. I would have preferred fixing the end, maybe with an OR. Is it age > that causes this > or is it bitterness. A real lose\lose dilemma to get your horns into.  I still like it though. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Well, I must say that I couldn't really tell where the wordplay was here but perhaps that's because I was more enthralled by your poem's criticism of the bitter people who like bullying younger folks. As a poem that explores bitterness and its debilitating nature, this poem was very good. Thanks for posting it. As for constructive critiques, well your transition from the first stanza to the subsequent stanzas in which you describe all of the fabrics that are being rend asunder by the bully's rage is a bit hard to follow. But I was glad to see you return to the bully again in the last stanza. Life's short. Think hard! |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
PS: Just read your revision and it made better transitions. Life's short. Think hard! |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I really can’t give you an answer about the line breaks. Grinch. Now that you mention it, they do seem a little strange whereas this morning they seemed perfectly lovely. Hate when that happens! Think maybe the whole piece is just doodling a thought noodle, spinning the linguine around in the sauce perhaps? Your suggestion would probably be to go syllabic? Or did I guess wrong? But it’s such a short piece, would syllabic really work? Yep, “this” is an improvement over “the” and the ending, hmmm, well, I like your “or” idea. Will have to give that some thought. Thanks! Thanks, fractal. Some word connections exist only in my mind. Got more that a few overloaded circuits there as you can probably tell. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
I too think this is very good. Hiding your light in the dark again Jenn. Tssk. The revision is certainly better, and I tend to agree with Grinch that "this" maintains the venom and truth of the original; by which I mean it is more specifically aimed - the "this" indicating specificity of person or class. Whether this would be the best course if you were to send it out I am not so sure. The poem is already flavoured strongly with bitterness, and by using "your" or even "this" it might tip it towards the category of petulant teen rebellion. The fine point is whether, by using "the" and making the speaker stand back a little, you lose an acid edge. My own view is that the poem is so strong you can probably get away with the more general "the" in S1. A not unrelated point is the question of whether you need to expand upon or add to "age" and "rage", by closing with an "or" strophe. Certainly the last strophe in V1 looked weak: "teeth ground down" was disappointing after such original imagery preceding, and "bitterness" and "spite" were just too abstract and telly. If you write a closing strophe it has to be very good because right now I kind of like the open ended question, and the bewilderment that seems to flow from it. The idea of the speaker bemused at the vitriol and searching for reasons comes over quite strongly enough for me without further speculation at the end. This is especially the case because "rage" is a good choice of word. As per DT in the villanelle I think rage can come in many different flavours and the gamut of possibilities may strike chords with different readers. Similarly imo "age" needs no elaboration. It's a pitfall only too common, that slipping into regrets jealousy spite bitterness as we get older. You really don't have to say it. The "sparrow's wings" the "orphan's crib" "the victim heart" are all there to magnify and spotlight the words "age" and "rage". No, imo there is plenty of emotion and power here already, too much more risks damaging believability. The line breaks. Good catch Grinch. Normally with lines like this I'd be screaming foul. For some reason I didn't even give them thought. Now I think about it the explanation is simple. They work magnificently with the way I "hear" the speaker: confused, hurt, broken, fragile, stuttering with fragmentation, searching, jumping hither and thither for a logical reason for this type of behaviour. M |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
You could go for a syllabic form - but I wouldn’t recommend it in this case, for the same reason I wouldn’t recommend rewriting it as a sonnet. The musicality of a sonnet would take this too far away from a natural utterance or outburst, a syllabic form would do the same but to a lesser degree but I think even that would be too much. I was thinking more of keeping the natural feel but separating it into three clear parts by connecting the three central strophes. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks very much, MB, Grinch. MB, on the line breaks, you're right. It was sort of a sob like struggle to get the words out - like when a little child is really sobbing, they can speak only a couple of words and then need to breathe. First thought, best thought not always true, but right now, think I'll let them stay the way they are. In a different type poem, Grinch's idea of combining strophes would probably work a lot better. I have two big fat anthologies, Norton's Contemporary and Norton's Post Modern and three whole days off. I'll keep an eye out for short poems, maybe I'll come across a format that would work better.Thanks again, you've both been very helpful. |
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