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Dark Poetry #4
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the dead flesh that weighs you down
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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the dead flesh that weighs you down |
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NormalitxButterfly Member
since 2008-07-09
Posts 107 |
there are times in our lives.... times of great change if you watch closely.... you find the world has changed without you. leaving you choking.... gasping in the dust. you want so much to be come something more.... to be able to change to peel away the dead flesh that weighs you down its never enough to keep moving.... growing weaker and more tired with each step the pain of yesterday not far behind.... snapping at your heels threatening to take you down. you wander aimlessly trying to escape the past that haunts you. sufficating in the falling sadness.... shut off from the light even as you wither and die the roses bloom in profusion you find your the only thing that hasn't changed staring at the scared flesh draped over your broken body memories etched like brail the only thing time wont cut away the fears you though you left behind claw at your back you keep running but its never far enough |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hey there, I really liked this. It's strightforward, no bull, delivered in a stolid voice that lent weight to the thoughts behind it. I want to lend a mild criticism: when working with such "heavy" thoughts, it often helps to deliver the message in a more "broken" format. for example, if I were to do this (and it is yours, so do as you wish, of course), I might break up the first couple of lines like so: there are times in our lives.... times of great change if you watch closely, you find the world has changed without you. leaving you choking - gasping in the dust. you want so much to become something more, to be able to change - to peel away the dead flesh that weighs you down This is, of course, just one of trillions of ways it could be represented. I don't want you to think your way was bad - not at all - just a bit more difficult to read... when the eye has to struggle to follow, some of that energy is distracted from the intensity of the words behind the poem. just some thoughts. again, well done.  |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Hm... I like your beginning here, reminding us that the only constant in life is change. Once again, there is a subtle hope in that especially when it's contrasted with this:
I don't know if you did this intentionally or not, but the phrase "memories etched like braille [fixed spelling]" is ironic given the sense of blindness that can be seen in the aimless wandering discussed throughout the poem. Perhaps to die is to cut off this dead flesh. If the only constant is change then there is hope. Why waste your time running from the scars when you can cut them off and be a new person at the drop of a hat? Just like life can move on and change without your permission. Once again, your spelling could use a bit of work. FOr example, you talk of scared flesh in the quote above. I think you meant scarred, unless you are trying to convey a sense of the dead flesh being afraid of something (but it's difficult to be afraid when you are dead). Life's short. Think hard! |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I just saw Christopher's comment: Chris, what makes you think a broken format would work well in this poem? You've piqued my curiosity. What do you think makes that such a good form? Conversely, NormalitxButterfly, what made you choose this format of one monolithic stanza? Life's short. Think hard! |
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NormalitxButterfly Member
since 2008-07-09
Posts 107 |
thank you for the advice. ^_^ yeah my spelling needs work. what made me decide to write it this way? im not sure thats just kinda how i was thinking it so i just wrote it that way i guess. I leave to walk ahead, only to be lost |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Fair enough. Life's short. Think hard! |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hi fractal, I think a "broken" format works well for almost all poems... if done appropriately. I tend to think of the format of phrasing following the way the mind thinks, or "hears." For example, in a novel you would use longer sentences and paragraphs in a place where you want the reader to slow down (for example to recover from heavy action, or to pause before jumping in). Conversely, when writing action sequences you want to keep the sentences and words shorter, along with the paragraph - that way they portray the immediacy of the situation. The same principle applies to poetry (as I see it), only instead of a novel, you have a short time to impress the reader with what you want to get across. You have to do this with words, which need to be selected carefully, but also with the presentation. You can accentuate a phrase, insert abnormal pauses, express intensity, and drag out emotions all by adjusting the way your words are written. Again, the words are important in poetry, but I'm a firm believer that presentation is just as much so - at least in free verse, where you don't have the crutch of a pre-defined format to couch your words in. Does that answer the question you were asking in regard to my thoughts? |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Christopher: It does answer my question to be sure. Your mentioning making the reader slow down a little does give me pause for thought. In light of that I can see why, in the case of this poem you'd advocate that kind of a style. I hadn't thought of the form when I originally read it so I learned something I suppose by talking about it with you. More importantly, I hope Butterfly has learned something from it.... I always enjoy her work for the kind of world view she is implicitly conveying. Or maybe I am being conceited because she's implicitly conveying a world view that mirrors my own in some respects. Life's short. Think hard! |
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