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Dark Poetry #4
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Sir_Vampire
Member
since 2007-06-12
Posts 96
Johannesburg

0 posted 2007-09-18 04:48 AM


I died this day and I know you did weep
When you found my body in a heap
The cause of death…. A broken heart
Why it was broken? You tore it apart.
All I did was utter a heart felt phrase
Now you utter "in this grave he now lays"

I died this day and I know you did weep
As you uttered that hell my soul must keep
You cry not out of sadness or pain
You cry glad that I don’t remain…



you watched me bleed you watched me die you watched me not even a bat of your eye

[This message has been edited by Sir_Vampire (09-18-2007 05:19 AM).]

© Copyright 2007 Sir_Vampire - All Rights Reserved
Sir_Vampire
Member
since 2007-06-12
Posts 96
Johannesburg
1 posted 2007-09-18 05:26 AM


short and not so sweet, but i believe the message i wanted to give couldn't have been captured any better with more words

you watched me bleed you watched me die you watched me not even a bat of your eye

Kitherion
Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 181
Johannesburg
2 posted 2007-09-19 12:49 PM


I'm afraid m'dear, that I must say I enjoyed it (You should know me by now ) but... the word "lays" does not fit into the sentence, and although you may throw poetic licence in my face, I disagree. That couplet could have been better constructed, so as to use correct grammer.

Other than that, I liked it. Alot.

"Our Father who art in Heaven... Hallowed be thy name..."

hunnie_girl
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567
Canada
3 posted 2007-09-19 02:02 AM


wow this was chilling the title captured me, and I don't usually read many poems in dark anymore but your poem made me read on. I loced it....
Krysti

Tears-of-Sanity
Member
since 2007-09-05
Posts 121
Kingdom Hearts
4 posted 2007-09-19 11:49 AM


I like this poem.
It is not so sweet as you said, but it was a nice one.
The message you wanted to deliver reached every reader.  Plain simple and honest

over all, I enjoyed it.

Tears of Sanity~

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