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Dark Poetry #4
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The day i died
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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The day i died |
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Sir_Vampire Member
since 2007-06-12
Posts 96Johannesburg |
I died this day and I know you did weep When you found my body in a heap The cause of death…. A broken heart Why it was broken? You tore it apart. All I did was utter a heart felt phrase Now you utter "in this grave he now lays" I died this day and I know you did weep As you uttered that hell my soul must keep You cry not out of sadness or pain You cry glad that I don’t remain… you watched me bleed you watched me die you watched me not even a bat of your eye [This message has been edited by Sir_Vampire (09-18-2007 05:19 AM).] |
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Sir_Vampire Member
since 2007-06-12
Posts 96Johannesburg |
short and not so sweet, but i believe the message i wanted to give couldn't have been captured any better with more words you watched me bleed you watched me die you watched me not even a bat of your eye |
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Kitherion Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 181Johannesburg |
I'm afraid m'dear, that I must say I enjoyed it (You should know me by now  ) but... the word "lays" does not fit into the sentence, and although you may throw poetic licence in my face, I disagree. That couplet could have been better constructed, so as to use correct grammer.Other than that, I liked it. Alot. "Our Father who art in Heaven... Hallowed be thy name..." |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
wow this was chilling the title captured me, and I don't usually read many poems in dark anymore but your poem made me read on. I loced it.... Krysti |
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Tears-of-Sanity Member
since 2007-09-05
Posts 121Kingdom Hearts |
I like this poem. It is not so sweet as you said, but it was a nice one. The message you wanted to deliver reached every reader. Plain simple and honest over all, I enjoyed it. Tears of Sanity~ |
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