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Dark Poetry #4
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Lost Bliss
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Lost Bliss |
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Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
Give me one last day To be naive Let me be faultless So I can breathe Sitting underneath the willow Remorse is my pillow Teardrops fall like rain Dripping down bloody pain Dreams that are shattered Body torn and battered Paying for every sin Forgetting what I sought to win A walking corpse is what you see All that is wicked; that is me |
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| © Copyright 2006 Kira Aso - All Rights Reserved | |||
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lil cherry Member
since 2002-10-02
Posts 86Ont, Can. |
there are times when people are making so much of an effort to make their poems rhyme that they lose the flow and emotion in their poems. unfortunatly it would appear this is one of those times. don't get me wrong i love the idea and i think the poem is great, but i think it could use some minor tweaking. great work. |
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Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
Thankyou for being honest! (most people arent') I found this in one of my old note books and just kinda flung it out. I think I'm hitting some sort of writer's block since nothing seems to be inspiring me these days. (Which is probably why this poem lacks just about everything) If you have any suggestion's for this poem I'd be happy to hear them. Thanx again! ~Kira |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
this, not one of my favorites from you, it could have a better structure and the same all the way through. like if you want to have rhyme have it through the whole poem instead of some here and some there, but that is my only thoughts against the poem, the meaning although did hold a lot for me i could really feel it, hope to read more soon... hunnie  A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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