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Dark Poetry #4
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I Hear Voices
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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I Hear Voices |
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
I Hear Voices By Courtney A I keep hearing your voices please just get out of my head. It's not supposed to be like this... because you're dead. I know both of us thought we would be together But you gotta understand It wasn't my fault that you get in a car accident. So please just let me rest... from the past. I can't take it anymore. So if you can please just open the door. Just go right on in, everything you didn't have the answers to. I promise you, you'll understand. Hopefully you'll stay on that side and find out that I had nothing to hide. So maybe you can stop coming into my head, leave me alone, and let me go to bed. I can finally see that you had set me free. I just want you to know, I'm always gonna be by your side. The very last words I heard you say was, "I know, I love you, and Good-bye." [This message has been edited by cherrys_rule (10-20-2006 02:55 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 cherrys_rule - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
tell me what you think about it. ThAnx |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
i'll try to help you with this poem but just siggestions of what i think... I keep hearing your voices please just get out of my head. It's not supposed to be like this (these three lines; good beggining.) because you're dead.( i really think this line should be longer to make the flow better) I know both of us thought we would be together But you gotta understand It wasn't my fault that you get in a car accident. (maybe add another line here to help the other lines in stanza) So please just let me rest... from the past. (two lines i liked these) I can't take it anymore. So if you can please just open the door. (this line didn't seem to really fit in this poem.) Just go right on in, everything you didn't have the answers to. I promise you, you'll understand. (loved this stanza  )Hopefully you'll stay on that side and find out that I had nothing to hide. So maybe you can stop coming into my head, leave me alone, and let me go to bed. ( also another good stanza strength or the poem.) I can finally see that you had set me free. I just want you to know, I'm always gonna be by your side. The very last words I heard you say was, "I know, I love you, and Good-bye." ( good ending) i thought this poem started off ok then it kind of lost it's flow and then it got another flow that was just the depth of the poem beautiful i liked this poem although it was a little off in some parts but i hope to read more soon... hunnie*  A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
K, I though Hunnie did a rather nice crittique. Good job, you are improving in you poetry and crittiquing adding depth to both. I KEEP HEARING YOUR VOICES PLEASE JUST GET OUT OF MY HEAD. * how about taking out Please IT'S NOT SOPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS ( Very hinting opening, good. ( BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAD.( This line throws it off , it needs to get words added. put description in. add one or two words and it is ok with *just get ouf of my head. I KNOW BOTH OF US THOUGHT WE WOULD BE TOGHETHER BUT YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND*too prosey here, don't say I know either, cause the reader certainly doesnt, so tell us.( IT WASN'T MY FAULT THAT YOU GET IN A CAR ACCIDENT .** fault is cliche, see if you can find another word for it, make it more elusive to us, ** How was I sopposed to see enough to stop youu from getting in that car? *not as blunt. ********this does need one more line to finish the stanza, the car accident won't close it. SO PLEASE JUST LET ME REST.... FROM THE PAST. *****I thought from the past almost through it off , the idea is very good but You could reword that. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE So if you can please just open the door. (Doesnt fit, why dont you take out Please, and put Close instead of open. I am getting here that you are desperate being haunted, at that point, if you want to just live your life, unshadowed you are not going to be polite. JUST GO RIGHT ON In EVERYTHING YOU DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS TO I PROMISE YOU, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND. *this changes right here all of a sudden , its good but needs to be reworded to make it work, next stanza too. HOPEFULLY YOU'LL STAY ON THAT SIDE AND FIND THAT I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. SO MAYBE YOU CAN STOP COMING INTO MY HEAD LEAVE ME ALONE ,AND LET ME GO TO BED( this added to the strength of it all, really liked this stanza I CAN FINALLY SEE THAT YOU HAD SET ME FREE I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M ALWAYS GONNA BE BY YOUR SIDE THE VERY LAST WORDS I HEARD YOU SAY WAS, "I KNOW, I LOVE YOU, AND GOOD-BYE." This Was A Very Good ending, and a wonderful start for a poem. b ut the ending could use a bit more finish. its good though. |
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
Thanks you guys. I will be sure to listen and learn for my future poems. Thanks for replying though. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
And i will read your poems yay ... hope to read more soon...hunnie A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war and a time for peace ~Ecclesiastes 3:8~ |
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secret_truth_lies Member
since 2006-11-14
Posts 74 |
I thought this very good. I better see more soon. |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
If I may politely say, I think you are posting too many poems with too little substance. Most of them sound as if you are having a causual conversation with someone that just happens to rhyme. I am not not intending to be rude, but I think if you took more time on developing a single peom your work would greatly benefit. To be honest, most people in this forum will give your work kudos even if they don't like it, so take the attaboys with a grain of salt. Trust me. Spend some quality time with a single work, then post in Critical Analyisis and see what happens. Regards. |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
Also, in the begging stanza, the word 'Voices' should not be plural, as you are only talking about the voice of one person. |
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secret_truth_lies Member
since 2006-11-14
Posts 74 |
What ever! You don't need that person. I thought this was really good. I don't feel that way about your work. This is a place, that teens and adults can spreak their minds. Even if it's just rhyming. People can just ramble on and It wouldn't make any difference. For Teens like us we come home and just want to speak our minds. They don't want to have the whole grammer thing going on at home on their computers. I understand that People need grammer, but I'm pretty sure kids don't use it in their writings any more. You don't have to be so harsh on her, even though you might not mean it. When I was reading your comment,it made me just ticked off when you wrote this. Sorry for the whole lecture. |
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Walter Poe Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 787 |
Okay i'm gonna say this only once. Poetry is for the soul and the heart NOT the brain. Grammar is all well and good but it isn't poetry. A poem is for creating feeling. You keep writing until you get better at expressing your feelings. Mostly i free write don't think just type. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Here's a thing though go back to your own poems a few weeks or a month down the line when you have forgotten writting them then maybe edit them. That way you read it with fresh eyes and you can decide whether it is any good. Believe me they won't all be! But since we are having a good old critique on this poem let me have a go. This is just how i would edit this piece. It is not how it should be merely something for you to look at and take what you will. I keep hearing your voice please get out of my head. It's not supposed to be like this... because I know you are dead. Both of us thought we thought we would last But you must understand It isn't my fault you are past So please just let me rest... lie my head and sleep fast. I can't take these nights. So if you can, make this the last Just go right on in, beyond that last gasp everything you failed to know. I promise you'll grasp. Hopefully you'll stay on that side and find out that I had nothing to hide. So maybe you can stop coming into my head, leave me alone, and take the last ride. Yet I can finally see that you set me free. I just want you to know, I'm always be by your side. and i'll remember the last words you said, "I know, I love you, and Good-bye." P.S. love the last line So won't you sing me a rainbow Josie roll me a song |
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
so what you guys are tellimg me is to not write anymore on here cause i'm waisting your time. Well, I don't think poems have to ryhme or do anything like that. I think a poem can be just your thoughts, what's going through your head that day, what ever comes to mind. But what you guys are saying is just crap to me. So I figure fine I have had enough and I won't write anymore. Cause I guess I'm not welcomed. So what eva, I'm through with you guys and all the things that you have to say. |
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
sorry you guys I was having a very bad day and i wasn't dealing with it right. i shouldn't have gone out like that. But i'm still writing my problems out and I mostly just keep them to myself now. Not anybodies fault, i just really closed off some boundries. if that makes since. But thanks for trying to make my poem makes since, although the last one seemed like a rapper that was trying to hard to rhyme with anything that came to mind. but thanks anyways. |
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