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lanaia74
Member

since 2006-08-25

Posts 67

0 posted 2006-09-24 07:27 AM

You must not go into the garden, my child, especially on this night
For I know you are being stalked by one of the undead
I have seen him in the shadows, stalking you, so to earthly life you must hold on very tight
To get away from this demon you must stay one step ahead.

So my child, please take heed from an old woman such as I
Stay away from the garden, for this is where he watches you and waits
Please, my child, on this old woman's advice you can rely
Stay away from the garden, so you don't submit yourself to a desolate fate.

If you really look in the shadows you can see his eyes as they glow red
In the garden, the silence of everything will give you a sense of irrational fear
He even obtains the power, if he wanted to, to lure you to his bed
So child, from him stay away, steer clear.

You don't want to have the same fate as he, always roaming at night looking for fresh prey
Always lurking in the shadows and darkness, watching the ones you choose as victims
He will try and teach you horrid things, even lie to you to make you stay
He will try anything, he will even go out on a limb.

So child, stay away from the garden and as I said especially on this night
You are so young and beautiful to be exposed to the darkness of the undead
Cling to this life, my child, hold on very tight
So stay away from the garden after everything done and said.

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

1 posted 2006-09-24 04:40 PM

Let's hope the child heeds the old woman's warning!

I think you could make this poem stronger by cutting out some of the little extras. For example in S5 line1 cutting the part "and as I said" would give the line more punch.

I see what Moonbeam meant about how inverted sentence structure sounds a little off as in:
"so to earthly life you must hold on very tight"
"on this old woman's advice you can rely"

I know you did it that way for a rhyme but it does sound a little unnatural, not the way we normally speak, at least to my ear.

I don't often use rhyme, it's so hard to do so I admire the effort you put into your poems.

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

2 posted 2006-09-24 11:14 PM

Wow I really liked this one. Scary!

shatteredsilver
Member

since 2005-03-31

Posts 63
middle of nowhere

3 posted 2006-10-21 10:16 PM

Nice, eerie warning.

I agree that rhyming can be very hard to do - somehting that might make this poem stronger is taking out some of the repitition. It needs some, yes, like the warning not to go in the garden, but not so much other.

writergrl
Member

since 2006-10-30

Posts 73
Las Vegas, Nevada

4 posted 2006-10-31 03:29 PM

WOW, a stark and scary read, a warning worth the read; just tweek up the rhythm and flow a bit, and you've got a winner!

writergrl

"You cannot stain a black coat."
Nicholas Nickleby

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