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| Dark Poetry #4 |
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sanctuary |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
when the bruised light of day holds no refuge or warmth rivers flow languidly from emptiness to despair time drops away into wells of eternity when all that was hopeful becomes only shadow beckoning again with forbidden illusions night comes bearing an unblemished gift the irresistible solace of darkness [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (09-22-2006 04:31 PM).] |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
when the bruised light of day holds no refuge or warmth rivers flow languidly from emptiness to despair time drops away into wells of eternity when all that was hopeful becomes only shadow beckoning again with forbidden illusions night comes bearing an unblemished gift the irresistible solace of darkness Regrettably this one doesn’t work. In this instance the abstractions, cliches and modifiers hold sway and overwhelm any music in the piece. L1 was a good start. L3 was a catastrophe. Rivers flowing anyhow is dangerous, but languidly! And then on to two real clangers of abstraction; our old vacuous friends “emptiness and despair”. Jennifer really! L4 “wells of eternity” is almost worse! I want to SEE the emptiness and despair and that deep deep well. Right now I can’t SEE a damned thing. “when all that was hopeful becomes only shadow beckoning again with forbidden illusions” Hell fire we’re into Tolkien speak now. Any minute Bilbo and Gandalf will hove onto the horizon! Blimey Jennifer you sure know how to experiment wildly don’t you. Keep it up and keep reading. Seek out Sharon Olds - she should inject you with a little hard reality! Take care. M |
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lanaia74 Member
since 2006-08-25
Posts 67 |
With a little work, this could be very good! |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Jennifer~ I'm gonna quote the entire piece ... 'when the bruised light of day holds no refuge or warmth rivers flow languidly from emptiness to despair time drops away into wells of eternity when all that was hopeful becomes only shadow beckoning again with forbidden illusions night comes bearing an unblemished gift the irresistible solace of darkness' - for the very all of it works for me~ I felt the "bruised light of day" (very effective) I saw "time dropping away" (most effective) In the coming of night, I embraced "the irrestible solace of darkness" Thank you for the overall effects of your ink~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks Marge and lanaia, you do say the sweetest things. Moonbeam, I was shooting for dreary and maudlin. Judging from your comments, therefore I proudly proclaim, mission accomplished!  |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
quote: Heh. Yes, but you forgot boring and uninteresting. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
One upmanship doesn't become you, Moonbeam. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Jen You are quite right - I am sorry. M |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I was kidding, weren't you? hehe We bad. We real bad. |
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