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JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

0 posted 2006-09-20 07:26 AM

'You ask me why I dwell in the green mountain;
I smile and make no reply for my heart is free of care.
As the peach-blossom flows down stream
and is gone into the unknown,
I have a world apart that is not among men.'
- Li Po

A World Apart -

With back to me you stand
alone in morning mist
eyes fixed on the Welsh mountains
that beckon your wintering heart.

Waiting for the distant dawn
and night clouds to dissipate,
you dream of “another place”
where every hillside is green.

There the snow is always pure
in memory's rarefied air,
spring forever bluebells and summer
crimson bright with poppies.

Your mountain is an island,
safe passage to Shangri la
high above this stony ground and a world
as apart as we now are.

If by being so I could give you
back your lost horizons,
I'd willingly become a blossom
floating into the unknown.

[This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (09-20-2006 08:13 AM).]

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

1 posted 2006-09-20 10:04 AM

Competent syntax and structure.  Clearly thought out message.  Very good start.

What this lacks is anything to really grab the reader.  In the quest to avoid floweriness and overdone poeticisms you need to be careful not to move too far towards mundane prose.

Having said that FAR better start with mundane prose and a good idea and good structure and work UP to a nice lyrical poem than try and go the other way and revise a cliche ridden abstract sentimental load of hogwash.

There’s a fair bit of cutting of definite articles and other filler words that could go on here.  It needs paring down to make it read less like a report.  Converting “winter” to a participle to describe a noun (especially “heart”) is a pet hate of mine.

I could say a good deal more about this in workshop.

Don’t be discouraged.  Right now you’re swinging around the place trying to do different things, and that’s good.

Where you score very highly compared with most beginner poets is that you have a clear appreciation of sound, you understand that a poem benefits from some structure and above all you are open to trying out different things.

You really are ready for a “proper” workshop you know.  In my mail I asked if you posted to any other forums?  And what made you come to PIP?

If you don’t want to answer here I’ll try an e-mail you again later.

Cheers.

M

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

2 posted 2006-09-20 11:02 AM

It’s always risky posting poems of a very personal nature, I should know better.

One is inclined to be irrationally defensive of them.

Anyway, good point, a personal type poem can mean a lot to the writer yet have no spark that draws the reader in. For example, the reference to “another place”. I’ll bet there are very few (if any) in this forum who know what I meant by that. I left the reader out, the image didn't work, therefore the poem is flawed. If the message or meaning isn't clear, then the work needs to be revised or tucked away in your keepsake drawer. And finding that balance between mundane and overly-flowery, definitely something to work on!

However, if you can have “lavender” then I’m sticking to my guns on “wintering heart”.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

3 posted 2006-09-20 11:32 AM

Usually "another place" refers to life after death when used vaguely. At least that's how I took it given the rest of the poem.

I'm afraid I tend to forget I'm not in a workshop sometimes. Please forgive any insensitivity. It's difficult to know sometimes if a poem is about an actual event or experience or not.

M

JenniferMaxwell

Member Elite

since 2006-09-14

Posts 2423

4 posted 2006-09-20 01:39 PM

Here's a link to a blurb about "another place" for anyone who's interested.
http://www.visitliverpool.com/site/product-p76741

I think when a poem is so personal that unfavorable comments might be upsetting, then the poet should post some sort of warning indicating the sensitive nature of the poem. I didn't do that, and I wasn't the least bit upset by your comments, Moonbeam.

For some reason I'm not getting my email. I checked my settings and even tested the email link. Nothing.

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