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Dark Poetry #4
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where all the shadows lie
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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where all the shadows lie |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
winter hangs an ashen veil across the failing light streams across the barren hills glazing earth with night snow moon pale at sundown ascends a mottled sky opens gates of darkness where all the shadows lie something this night summons dark winds from the sea that howl in hopeless desperation, souls in agony slipping into dreamless sleep the race of humankind oblivious to the evil that blows on darkest winds to blind snow to flame the blaze consumes all creatures in its path for shadows are the fires that burn born of greed and wrath but somewhere in the sacred wood a mystic eye appears shedding drops of mercy in the shape of compassionate tears rising from the ashes dawn seals the portal to night and stills the winds with genesis words let there be light... |
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| © Copyright 2006 JenniferMaxwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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lanaia74 Member
since 2006-08-25
Posts 67 |
Brilliant! Well done! |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Jennifer You have way too many overused adjective noun combinations here to make it really interesting. Cliches in fact. ashen veil - ugh failing light - ugh barren hills - ugh "glazing earth with night" - is very good though snow moon pale - ugh mottled sky - not bad gates of darkness - ugh shadows lie - ugh dark winds - ugh that howl - ugh hopeless desperation - abstract AND cliche souls in agony - OMG terrible! dreamless sleep - ugh ugh ugh sacred wood - ugh mystic eye - ugh and so on and so on ... This poem is a disaster in fact! You can think originally and you have a feel for sound you can do a million time better. M |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Oh, and remember, as Mary Oliver says. "Every adjective and adverb is worth five cents. Every verb [and noun] is worth fifty cents." |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Hopefully, it's just a phase and I'm growing out of it.  Thanks so much for taking time to read, comment and for bringing me to my senses. I'm going to try again with less drama and more substance. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Incidentally Jennifer I wasn't quite sure where you were trying to head with your meter. It seems predominantly trochaic with, er, erratic patches! The sound is still good though. M |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
You figured it out, I was trying to write a poem that sort of sounded like one written by those who know meter and such, which I don't, as you can tell. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Certainly the opening line promises trochaic tetrameter a la Hiawatha but without the last unstressed syllable. After that you’ve got predominantly trochees with some substitutions. If you’re really only just starting out in this stuff you are doing extremely well. Writing reams and reams of blank verse (unrhymed iamabic pentameter) is brilliant grounding for anyone wanting to make progress in metrical poetry. M |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Honestly, I think I have a learning disability when it come to meter. Just when I think ok, stressed unstressed and five stresses to a line (or whatever) not too difficult, but then there’s an example where you’re supposed to figure out the meter with extra “little” words thrown in and I’m completely lost and very frustrated! Maybe there’s a “Meter for Dummies” book you could recommend? The way I wrote this disaster of a poem was to sort of sing it in my head while tapping my foot to keep a steady beat, as much as possible. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Mary Oliver -- A Handbook for Writing and Reading Metrical Verse But check my recent post in Essorant's Critical Reading thread in CA too. |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Jennifer~ As I read this, I find SO much in it to enjoy~ 'winter hangs an ashen veil' Such original beauty paints a lovely word-picture for me~ 'snow moon pale at sundown ascends a mottled sky' This works in a magical way that takes my breath away~ LOVELY~ 'somewhere in the sacred wood a mystic eye appears' Oh yes ... you have captured a moment and presented it very effectively for the reader~ There is movement in your thoughts that gently takes this reader's hand ... leading me along the trail of effective imagery~  *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ Email - [email protected] |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
You know Jennifer, on reflection there is much to be said for overwrought modifiers and luscious clusters of cliches. Having read it again bathed in the warm pink fuzz of true soul I am inclined to think that, for a certain type of reader, this poem could be very beautiful and lovely indeed. So you see, I am often in error. M |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Thanks, Marge, you're very kind. Moonbeam, I really appreciate the head's up on overusing adjectives and the power of verbs you mentioned, and I totally agree! Poems such as this one are like riffs, just flourishes on a theme for mood "effect". I enjoy writing them, reading them every once in a while as sort of a mini-escape from reality. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Good practise for the "real thing" Jennifer! Heh. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
There ya go Jennifer an e-mail addy: [email protected] I'll give you my proper one when you mail me. Later. M |
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