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Dark Poetry #4
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Trapped (then)
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Trapped (then) |
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Spot Junior Member
since 2006-03-04
Posts 45CA, US |
Her hands slip over his rolls of skin rolls and rolls and not a single one she can hold onto and neither his eyes or his mouth attempt a smile as he gazes at her- gazes at her narrow shoulders and studies her smooth, shaking legs he travels up her slender arms to her slight, unwilling chest and into her timid eyes leer his hard, cold ones. As her eyes open she tries to focus, to call upon an elusive image, with a face that lights upon her and lips that curve softly with her presence and the beautiful gentle arms that steady her- steadied her. But then her eyes close and as arms reach for her all she can feel are the rolls of flesh cold with sweat and in her mind his eyes are stone upon her. She cries out- a whimper to his roar as the arms withdraw. She dares not look up- he will be looking at her. And she does not want to know when his eyes close what it is he sees. ...it's always sudden... |
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| © Copyright 2006 Lauren - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Hello Spot. This is very powerful, an almost visceral write. You've written in the senses well. I would say it's more like a story, and although you're being very descriptive, it's not suiting my eye laid out as a poem. I would suggest forgetting the line breaks, and organise this into prose, a short story. The way you've finished is superb-a great twist to imagine what the man sees, and quite shocking. |
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Spot Junior Member
since 2006-03-04
Posts 45CA, US |
Hey kif kif, thanks for the reply I'll consider what you said about taking out the line breaks. Maybe I'll try it and post it and you can tell me what you think. thanks again for the feedback |
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