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Black rose
| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Black rose |
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Digital_Hell Member
since 2006-06-05
Posts 202Amidst black roses |
Originally titled Belladonna and Black Roses. what title is better? Or what would be a good title? When gone is all light I stand alone in eternal dark night I stare at what was once the brightness of the stars And realise my constraints and bars To think the darkness come so soon A beautifull black petal portenting doom With belladonna on your delicate lips grant me a kiss So that with a smile i descend in this dark bliss A sigh on the wind this last breath Falling forever into the mercifull oblivion of death With the ringing of the death knell See how the last of the petals fell Start awake to find myself alone in this place With nothing but a memory of your dark face Stand alone in such a beautifull garden Amidst black roses [This message has been edited by Digital_Hell (08-03-2006 09:34 AM).] |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
"And realise my constraints and bars To think the darkness come so soon A beautifull black petal portenting doom With belladonna on your delicate lips grant me a kiss So that with a smile i descend in this dark bliss" This part would have to be my all time favorite in the whole poem. The first line, especially, is something I can relate too. I can still remember as a child finding out that there we're things I couldn't do, bars holding me back... It was an excellent addition to this poem. I felt that the flow was kind of so-so, no offence. Just at times I felt like some of the wording was forced, the flow was partly forced, I'm not sure though, it could just be me. The title for this poem doesn't do much for me as it is, no offence again, I was thinking more along the lines of just "Belladonna", short and simple but with a powerful meaning behind it. Yet, I've never been good with titles so I'm sure there is something better out there you can come up with... All in all I liked this poem a lot. It is actually one of my favorites by you; it's something that held my interest, kept me wanting to read more. Amazing job on this poem! Thanks for sharing  @-->--- |
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Bobomo Junior Member
since 2006-07-15
Posts 35 |
I agree with Stargal on many of her points. I really enjoyed the poem, the imagery was absolutely fantastic. Your work always impresses me with the ability to "paint" pictures. I think the flow was cut short in certain places. "I stare at what was once the brightness of the stars And realise my constraints and bars" I think if you replaced "and bars" with something a little longer, like "behind these bars" it would help the flow of the stanza. God knows I'm no master poet though and I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds. |
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Digital_Hell Member
since 2006-06-05
Posts 202Amidst black roses |
No! not at all. I prefer criticism over a simple "great write" or "well done" It lets me know where i can improve upon my work A sign in the wind |
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