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Open Poetry #30

Loss

Astro
Member

since 2003-01-08

Posts 69
Ca.

0 posted 2004-01-23 05:27 PM

Loss

When I was six
I got lost in Costco
Amidst 600 aisles of bulk
Dog Food and Paper Towels
A fortune spent for luxury spills
and I waited by the exit for my parents
Who eventually came, carrying
No surprise. I wonder if they
Remember, like I do, the
Empty vastness of
Feeling small.

dinky
Member

since 2002-10-19

Posts 258

1 posted 2004-01-23 05:40 PM

this was so good,
i remember once something similar happened to me so i know what ya mean
good write!

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

2 posted 2004-01-24 04:30 AM

Beautiful in the powerful expression of feelings remembered.
Margherita

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

3 posted 2004-01-24 06:13 AM

I really like this...I can remember that feeling well...still feel that way sometimes...

Another thing I like - your use of punctuation within the poem, rather than at the end of lines, so in order to remain consistent I'd remove the one tiny fullstop at the end of the last line.

Cheers,

McLean
Member

since 2004-01-05

Posts 484
state of marital bliss

4 posted 2004-01-24 07:24 AM

Wow, Astro...excellent way to describe that little feeling. I recall feeling the world swell up in my throat...one big knot...that simply vanished at the sight of whom I had "misplaced". I haven't thought of those feelings of anxiety in a while.

McLean

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