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Tim
Senior Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 1794

0 posted 2003-09-23 10:51 PM

Thought I would try a wee bit of an exercise. Two sonnets with identical rhymes, but totally different feel.

Awaken I as dark of night is swept,
From sky by whispered hush of dawn’s first breath,
Lets loose new day, beyond horizons kept
In firmament of heaven’s spacious breadth.
As evening’s stars in evanescence flee,
Before advancing torch of Helios’ reign,
Recedes black tide of night’s celestial sea,
Exposing mountain peak and verdant plain.
Departs dark cloak of midnight’s ebon skies,
Feathered hymnists, as nature’s minstrels sing,
To herald in, advent of new day’s rise,
Wonderous awe, to me does dawning bring,
As sun, and wind, and I, arise and greet,
The coming dawn, champion of night’s defeat.

In dark of night, I lay alone and wept,
Upon bare bed, as waited call of death,
Three nights had passed, since last that I had slept,
Waiting, waiting, my last and final breath.
Devoid my room of light, in ebony
I lay, no wounds I suffered nor no pain,
No mark upon my skin a man could see,
But yet, a misery beyond explain.
Burned deep the fire within my eyes,
Within my waking dreams did sorrows spring,
As in bare room, I lay alone, as death's reprise,
In solemn hymn, my funeral dirge did sing.
No final hope, Charon that I would cheat,
Farewell, as death snuck in on noiseless feet.

[This message has been edited by Tim (09-23-2003 11:03 PM).]

QjQ
Member Elite

since 2003-04-18

Posts 3756
U.S.A.

1 posted 2003-09-24 05:31 AM

interesting write,,,,,

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

2 posted 2003-09-24 05:34 AM

An interesting exercise, Tim.
A definite contrast between the two...I like.

Hugs,
~Vicky
When the power of love overcomes the
love of power the world will know peace.
-Jimi Hendrix

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

3 posted 2003-09-25 11:12 AM

Tim, this is excellent work. I'm sending it
back for another go-round.

Hugs

Ethel

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2003-09-25 11:19 AM

More like a melodious musicale...

Thank you, Tim.

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

5 posted 2003-09-25 12:44 PM

I always have so much trouble finding enough rhymes, and you've double-done it. Well done.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

6 posted 2003-09-25 05:37 PM

Tim,
you poetspeak very well but as for the feelings they evoked...ah that was magic beyond words.
Keth

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

Patricia
Member Elite

since 2003-04-06

Posts 2160
Missouri

7 posted 2003-09-25 07:43 PM

OMG...I love this. I am going back for another read right now. I will be looking for your work...

Patricia

LiquidMidnight
Member

since 2003-09-24

Posts 50

8 posted 2003-09-25 07:50 PM

Excellent exercise and you could create a very conceptual piece by using these two poems. (for example, one piece could be from one person's perspective, while the other could be from the other person's perspective)

I like sonnet's because they force a different kind of word play that you don't see in very much contemporary poetry. For another exercise, you could take one of your poems and write it in the Italian style.

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