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Open Poetry #28

Gethsemane Calls

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

0 posted 2003-08-12 11:00 PM

Okay, folks, I need some major criticism on this one. ex: strong/weak spots, lines that don't quite fit, etc. thanks.

Gethsemane Calls

I harvest the darkness
To store in my opaque soul
If this cup . . .
The night echoes my laughter
Joining in its praise
Could pass from me . . .
Silence beckons softly
To the cataclysm in my embrace
Let it be so . . .

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

1 posted 2003-08-12 11:17 PM

sorry, my mistake, but the last line is supposed to be italicized as well.

Kaoru

Member Elite

since 2003-06-07

Posts 3892
where the wild flowers grow

2 posted 2003-08-12 11:55 PM

I really like this the way it is..even without italics it'd be just as good.

But then again, I mostly don't believe in editing.. I think just writing what you feel and believe is good enough..

No need to change, we like you the way you are.

El_Campeador
Senior Member

since 2003-01-29

Posts 761
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2003-08-13 08:59 AM

I think you did a good job already... But I'm no expert. I tend to agree with Kaoru and say that although poetry can be inproved if the rhyming, meter, or style is off, each poem is special in itself, and only you can bring a poem to where you want it to be. We can help you with meter or style, but the piloting is left to you.

“We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best that we can find in our travels is an honest friend.” –Robert Louis Stevenson

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