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'Untitled'
| Open Poetry #27 |
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'Untitled' |
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sixREninenine New Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 7 |
nice board..I wrote this the other day at work.. few lines here, few lines there.. Tonite, I put it all together, but i wish to get critiqued on the grammer.. Especialy the line when i say' Disolves me ' (**)I cant find a better way to put that..... thanks for looking... 'Untitled' True love is a predator, whom we foolishly hunt alone. Innocently stumbling its path, we're forever taken by its hold. My whole reality changed, the nite of our first kiss. Explosive thoughts of pure love, were too strong to dismiss. Months gave way, to distant stares and faint glances. Ive never had a girl like you, although there's been many chances. Finally one lonely nite, I humbled myself to ask. Then the heavens dropped this gorgeous angel, right in my path. Your soft golden skin, coupled with blinding blue eyes. Dissolves me into a misty haze, ( ** ) I could never compromise. Now we all make commitments, which unconsciously seem to break. I promise to follow my heart blindly, for true love is at stake. Poisoned relationships, engineer our plans for the future. My love I wish to weave into your life, with an unbreakable suture. These thoughts I tuck away, being they're too plentiful to write. My lifes hollow darkness fades, for your love, gives it light. This is for a girl I met about 5 weeks ago.She is on vacation to FLA for the week, so i was lonely and thinking of her brought these words through my head.I wish to write the completed version and give to her when she returns.Please comment however you see fit. Thanks and peace to all.. ./g updated.. [This message has been edited by sixREninenine (08-02-2003 04:02 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Gregg - All Rights Reserved | |||
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sixREninenine New Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 7 |
test Let Them Hate, |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
"Months gave way" reads better...and the other line "Dissolves me into a misty haze" is fine. Read them aloud..you get a better feel for whether or not they are working... The beauty of poetry is that we can turn a phrase and it doesnt have to be held to standard grammar if its poetically pretty. Welcome to poetry land...nice to have you hear with us... this is a lovely poetic entrance. Cool screen/pen name too.  "How could I stand here with you and not be moved by you." |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Welcome to Passions! We've a Critical Analyis Forum, AND a Poetry Workshop when you really want some serious help! Please, check your E-mail for a Special Greeting! Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen? |
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Sunnyone Member Ascendant
since 2000-07-06
Posts 5334Staffordshire, England |
I truly enjoyed your first post, and want to add my welcome to those above! ~S~ Accept these small gifts from my gypsy heart ~~S~~ |
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icebox Member Elite
since 2003-05-03
Posts 4383in the shadows |
Ask six poets for opinions and you will get at least eight conflicting opinions back. I try to be very precise with old rules of grammar only because I was beaten in school for making mistakes and if the mistake is glaring enough, to this day, my hands will remember the ache. That is just me. Poetry can offer great freedom. You will find your own "legs" on which to stand. Courage! I would re-write this with large strokes of a cutting pen, but my brain is wired differently from your's. There is nothing dramatically wrong with this poem and in fact it has some wonderful imagery and poetic continuity. I read poetry to take me to places in the universe where I have difficulty going on my own. Your poem did that for me. To me, that is poetic success. I found PiP to be a great place, to learn, to absorb thoughts and images, and the people are for the most part honest, kind and talented poets. Welcome! |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
WELCOME!   Your poem touched my heart strings. Yes, gift it to her, she can't help but be honored. |
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sixREninenine New Member
since 2003-08-02
Posts 7 |
Thank you for the AWESOME replies.. i have a deep 'pirma grin' on now.. and i cant wait to see my baby this monday to give it to her.. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Icebox summed up the essence of this poem nicely. The only thing I would add - since you asked for grammatical critique - would be in the line quote: To be grammatically correct, the line should read - "Although there've been many chances" - (chances ARE - not chances IS) - Other than that - It's a go...  Oh - Welcome to our Passionate world...  |
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cusick Senior Member
since 2003-07-27
Posts 668 |
Very impressive. Maggie |
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