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Foxyoasis
Senior Member

since 2003-06-10

Posts 974
Atlantic Beach,Fla

0 posted 2003-06-11 01:20 PM

Madness all around
All I hear is the sound
The sound of my heart
Ripping in the wind
As it falls against
Your skin. You look
Away you turn away
You can't say what you
Wanted to say. Still you
Remain in tact. I always
Wanted you back. Can you see?
You are what have been in me
All along. Every time i listen to
Our song. As you take me higher
To a place where we can be together
As if we were the only people in the world
Insanity takes over the brain goes into full
Swing back and forth laying down another chance

Fool me once shame on you.....Fool me twice shame on me.....

[This message has been edited by Foxyoasis (06-11-2003 09:12 PM).]

Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

1 posted 2003-06-11 08:37 PM

You know, this has a great power to it. That aspect of it, I enjoyed.

The part I don't like is using the letter "U" for the word "you". I don't take poetry with those kind of things very seriously most of the time. I'm not sure too many others do either. Poetry is for seeing what you can do with words. When you do stuff like using a letter for a word because it sounds the same, it takes away from the quality and the intricate beauty. All of this is said in peace of course. Just something to think about.

You could hurt me with your bare hands. You could hurt me using the sharp edge of what you say. JEWEL

Foxyoasis
Senior Member

since 2003-06-10

Posts 974
Atlantic Beach,Fla

2 posted 2003-06-11 09:11 PM

thanks,i thank you for pointing that out. most of the time when i type this on on the spur of the moument i forget about not using abbrevations.its like getting caught up in the moument which im sure you know what i mean.

Fool me once shame on you.....Fool me twice shame on me.....

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

3 posted 2003-06-13 07:31 PM

nice one

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

4 posted 2003-06-13 11:09 PM

Lovely writing, maybe you could break it up a little. I often write like this but through some early critiques from some great writers here learned the power of a pause and a break. Either way I loved the write just offering a suggestion, keep up the good work

Foxyoasis
Senior Member

since 2003-06-10

Posts 974
Atlantic Beach,Fla

5 posted 2003-06-14 12:01 PM

thanks for the constructive comments

so if i keep it like it is,but only space them out,pausing okay gotcha

thanks!

Fool me once shame on you.....Fool me twice shame on me.....

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

6 posted 2003-06-15 08:07 PM

Exactly foxy:

you got the talent - the style - the flow - the punch - all of it -

I had to be taught to break
it up and space it too lol
still learning - always learning
but this write is awesome
xxoo

Foxyoasis
Senior Member

since 2003-06-10

Posts 974
Atlantic Beach,Fla

7 posted 2003-06-15 10:35 PM

thanks guys

kinda sucks that most of my poetry is about heart ache and sorrows,but sadly that is my life. i choose to deal with it in a creative way

better then drugs eh? lol new compaign add, POETRY...the antidrug LoL

Fool me once shame on you.....Fool me twice shame on me.....

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural

8 posted 2008-02-03 12:20 PM

Like the thoughts

ARCTIC WIND

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