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Open Poetry #27
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sleep mournings away
| Open Poetry #27 |
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sleep mournings away |
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gyiel marlok Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 145OHIO |
the old factories,exit only..we've been stamping our lives on your streets..they've cleaned our clock time is up..but don't know when to stop..the old gray ones can tell a good one...maybe you'll have time to listen..never forget their words of wisdom.. i take a stroll over the stone bridge..black garments lace crying skin...and ashes are thrown along the way... apostles wander the lands teaching gospel words,tangled up in vines of crusade of corals... it's the masses..it is i who sleeps in the crypt...the emissaries point forward.. the dagon swims through our shores intricicies-fools moon,in-wrought,-inveigh my plasma plast never stains-kinetic theories post war on hypnotic veterans...we were here before you..traumatic disorder wear down the nerves of my posture..we celebrate our rollercoaster life.. would i scrouge to be come what i never had,one day i'll sit at the top of the empire,open my bottles and pour them out..admit me to lose ions...the bark of my tree,burning to no end,the harrowers harvest what they steal,the late night retreat,envious,to those whose mallets swing in for the kill...i take a stroll over the stone bridge,black garment lace crying skin....and ashes aree thrown along the way.. harrowers borrow life...we sleep mournings away... not living promises |
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| © Copyright 2003 GYIEL MARLOK - All Rights Reserved | |||
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gyiel marlok Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 145OHIO |
this might be my last post,so just please be frank |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
last post? hmmm.... not sure why you would want it to be your last... I moght suggest you try formatting a bit differently with line breaks to help the reader know where the pause of thought is...it also makes it much easier for the reader to folow shorter lines... The subject and content are pretty good..the form throws me off a bit and made it a bit difficult to read..... hope to see more! |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Interesting...James |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
why in the world would you leave us now, as we are just beginning to get to know a bit'o honey from your pen? I'll come back again later, as this one requires more thought than my three glasses of wine will allow. Please? don't leave, but if you do? we have already captured some of your words on the PC anyway, so you really cannot escape.  |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Grave dancers, perchance? I'm still trying to sort through all of the imagery, and the intent of this one Gyiel. Does gyiel mean ghoul, or is it in fact, your real birth name? Just curious. (walking along Bleeker Street, in my mind) |
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Canon_D_111 Member
since 2003-06-04
Posts 58New York USA |
I like the darkness...but I agree I need some wine to capture this emotion. it is good to know you if you go... |
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gyiel marlok Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 145OHIO |
no,i don't think this will be my last post, felt kinda lost earlier,thanks to all. |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
just clip and cut a bit, it speaks tho |
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gyiel marlok Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 145OHIO |
yes it is my real name, and inkedgoddess please tell me what you mean,too much,what, thank you all |
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Drexler_McStyles Member
since 2002-11-18
Posts 195Venice, Ca |
I like what you have going here, but it definetly needs to be cut up a bit, images are more striking when they stand on their own, it also makes the reader take pause to digest each line (entity) seperatly...which allows for a more dramatic impact...but as I said I like what the raw goods of it... The D. McS* |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
Gyiel, I'm not sure about the format/form. I kinda liked the way it's all crunched together, sorta like not taking a breath or like an uninterrupted thought process...I liked the impact of the style. I don't know, really. Just play with it and see how you could break it up, if you want to. Personally though, I would not change a thing if I were you. It's good as it is, but I'm kinda strange too *shrugging shoulders* |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
oh by the way...glad you have decided to keep posting  |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
your last post! ARCTIC WIND |
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