To Hear Your Voice - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

the_loner_23
Member Ascendant

since 2002-06-08

Posts 5479
Jacksonville, Florida, USA

0 posted 2003-05-31 06:53 PM

To hear your voice
Is like an angel
From heaven above
Singing to me

To hear your voice
Makes me nervous
But it is the good kind
The kind of nervous you become
When you are in love

To hear your voice
Makes my heart beat
A mile per minute

To hear your voice
For the rest of my life
Would make my life
Perfect
And complete

Cold hands means a warm heart

ThunderMage
Senior Member

since 2002-06-20

Posts 812
Canada

1 posted 2003-05-31 06:54 PM

That's exactly how I'd describe your voice Julie.

What is life without poetry and adventure?
"Little sister" is just another way of saying "Guardian Angel"!
We do not stop playing because we grow ol

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

2 posted 2003-05-31 07:00 PM

The only thing I would change about this poem is the metaphor "my heart beats a mile per minute" -- because your heart doesn't move from inside your rib cage, this particular way of saying "my heart is beating really quickly" strikes me as weird.
Sorry for being frank, but we all just want to improve. : )

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

3 posted 2003-05-31 09:56 PM

There is nothing wrong with the phrase "my heart beats a mile per minute". It has certainly been used more than once and what is weird is assuming that the author is saying that the heart is escaping the rib cage and actually racing down the avenue. Positive critique is fine but when it borders on nitpicking it serves no purpose except to cause hard feelings, which we try very hard to avoid here....ok?

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

4 posted 2003-06-01 02:31 AM

enjoyed

eminor_angel
Member

since 2003-05-22

Posts 323
Canada

5 posted 2003-06-01 07:46 AM

In response to:

"There is nothing wrong with the phrase "my heart beats a mile per minute". It has certainly been used more than once and what is weird is assuming that the author is saying that the heart is escaping the rib cage and actually racing down the avenue. Positive critique is fine but when it borders on nitpicking it serves no purpose except to cause hard feelings, which we try very hard to avoid here....ok?"

First of all, if I offended anyone, especially the poet, I apoligize, for that was not my intention. However, I am NOT nitpicking, I am focusing on details and avoiding mixed metaphors is an important part of using imagery. The very fact that you say that this metaphor has been used more than once is all the more reason to avoid it; for part of the purpose of poetry is to say something originally, and cliches are not conducive to that. Furthermore, critiques are mostly the reason that most of us post our poetry, and labeling any suggested changes as being negative defeats that purpose.

bslicker

Member Elite

since 2000-12-04

Posts 2321
state of mind

6 posted 2003-06-01 02:10 PM

"To hear your voice
For the rest of my life
Would make my life
Perfect
And complete"

ah what a voice that you want to hear makes this happen.

liked this very much.

A smile a day keeps the world in smile's.
Bernie Slicker

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

7 posted 2003-06-01 10:42 PM

Julie:

a lovely write indeed
(I love the angels -
when they are written of)
and here -

I feel your heart beating . . .
nice job
xxoo

[This message has been edited by littlewing (06-01-2003 11:14 PM).]

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

8 posted 2003-06-01 10:50 PM

I'd leave it just the way it is with the familiar cliche in there just to bring it home to reality.

It's a very nice write!

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

9 posted 2003-06-01 11:01 PM

Julie Girl...

Your works are taking on a richer quality, exactly as I see your life is lifting to be enjoyed. Very well done.
Love to read you. TD

apoetdreams
Member

since 2003-06-01

Posts 52
NJ, USA

10 posted 2003-06-01 11:14 PM

I love the poem..certainly can relate. I also must say I would keep in the heart beating a mile per minute. It is a great metaphor. This is why it has often been used! It fits perfectly into this poem from my humble perspective

Make your words as sweet as honey, someday you may have to eat them.

[This message has been edited by apoetdreams (06-01-2003 11:16 PM).]

JingleBear
Member

since 2003-05-08

Posts 76
Pennsylvania, USA

11 posted 2003-06-01 11:17 PM

aww how sweet this poem is!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.