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escalated view
| Open Poetry #24 |
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escalated view |
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Drexler_McStyles Member
since 2002-11-18
Posts 195Venice, Ca |
that cobalt negligee parading on the strings of autumn corralls your satin touch transcends the inferno before dissolving into midnight Outside a city that crawls and flickers with mechanical aspirations a world apart from the sanctuary of this candlelit chamber [This message has been edited by Drexler_McStyles (12-29-2002 02:32 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Steven Doherty - All Rights Reserved | |||
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neveah5 Member
since 2002-11-22
Posts 197Ohio |
And yet another WOW from me  |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Ahhhhhhh...a poem without punctuation...I'm not alone! ~grin~ Interesting that you have two 'stanzas' of a sort - distinguished only by the capital in Outside. Perhaps though you didn't intend for that impression. I also find it interesting that you chose not to start the entire poem off with a capital letter - it works I think. I was wondering about that 'that' however. It's a frequent technique in freeverse to centre poems that specify one place and one moment in an object. A technique that conveys both the emotional and physical aspects of the moment...it's very common in short poems like your own. I find that many of those poems introduce the object - in this case a negligee - by the determiner 'that' as opposed to 'the'. This hardens the emphasis certainly - it can only be one negligee and it is that negligee of that poem in that moment. It's also a technique that is used so often as to become cliched. I could talk about my stance on cliche for years so I'll keep it simple - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I think that for this poem to remain distinctive, as it mostly is in my opinion, you could rethink the opening line. One other thing - I'd look at removing 'sterile' and just having mechanics for two reasons. One, you have an overload of adjectives in 'crawl, flickers and sterile' in two lines. Two, sterile defines the emotion attached to the mechanics without any room for the reader to fall into the flow of the piece and create their own path. Ie, if it read 'a city that crawls and flickers with mechanics' a reader could gain many impressions about the mechanics solely from the words 'crawls' and 'flickers': sterile/cold, hot, lurid, skulking etc...which is an opportunity to expand the interpretation and reaction your work can create. Otherwise, it's a well written piece of work, and I enjoyed it... Welcome, hope to see more of you.  K |
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garysgirl  
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Well, Drexler, I know simply NOTHING about the technicalities of your poem. All I know is what I feel from it, and I do like your style, even if I don't quite understand it. Thanks for sharing your poetry with us.  "Love makes the world go around" |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Drexler, feel most honored that you have received the critique of Severn...For wisdom has been imparted.... and what you have written should never be considered less than good... and to Severn, I welcome any critique that could increase my skills....just be moderately gentle... sticks instead of whips...(jokinly said).... [This message has been edited by Magnus (12-29-2002 01:53 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
(Ps Magnus - it's Severn ~smile~) K |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Ssssssssevern.....sheesh....old age... Psssst! Thanx... |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
love cobalt blue, love the imagery in this |
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