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Open Poetry #24

instantaneous ambition

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

0 posted 2003-01-22 02:51 PM

Daybreak

9:00 a.m. (as opposed to p.m.)

It's morning,
but i'm not.

AWAKE

droning of the alarm

hit the snooze button.

10:00 (still in the a.m.)

          AWAKE

          droning of the alarm.

                  -no place to be.

          hit the snooze button.

          11:00 (a.m. draws close to an end)

                     AWAKE

                     droning of the alarm

                              - no one to see.

                     hit the snooze button.

                     12:00 p.m. (dig it, morning is gone).

                              AWAKE

                              droning of the alarm

                                      - can't sleep

                              the snooze button has fallen off.

[This message has been edited by Effigy (01-22-2003 02:52 PM).]

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

1 posted 2003-01-22 02:54 PM

(chuckling).... like the last line especially...

read several of your poems...and like what I read..look forward to reading more..

Quiet Acquiescence
Member

since 2003-02-16

Posts 70
somewhere out here

2 posted 2003-02-16 09:14 PM

hehehehe. funny

~*~me~*~

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

3 posted 2004-05-14 09:52 AM

Loved it. This one is a trite, silly little peice, but it made me laugh out loud. My favorite lines were:

"It's morning,
but i'm not.

AWAKE"

The break there is really brilliant, because you leave the reader hanging for a moment, thinking that the *time* is morning, but the *speaker* is not morning. This is a really neat little device. That and the "pm Dig it" line were my favorites.

Not your usual style, but I enjoyed it.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

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